37. Embracing Grief After Loss with Tara Accardo

What would happen if you finally gave yourself permission to grieve...fully, honestly, and without apology?

In today’s episode, Alyssa Carlene explores what it means to embrace grief with an open heart, especially while navigating motherhood without your own mother, in conversation with Tara Accardo, a grief and soul purpose coach. They talk about how loss shows up in the everyday moments of parenting, why motherhood can make grief feel louder, and how allowing yourself to feel it all can actually soften and support you.

You’ll hear raw, grounded conversations about identity, support systems, emotional triggers, and the surprising ways grief continues to evolve as we grow. This episode is here to remind you that your grief is valid, your longing is real, and you don’t have to hold any of it alone.

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• How can I navigate motherhood when my grief feels louder than my joy some days?
• Why does motherhood trigger old wounds and deepen the longing for my mom?
• How do I keep my heart open when I’m grieving, parenting, and trying to feel supported all at once?
• What can I do to honor my mother’s memory while still becoming the mother I want to be?
• How do I build a support system when the person I need the most is no longer here?

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Motherhood awakens a grief we sometimes don't see coming. The grief of wanting our moms at our weddings, at our births, in our homes, and then realizing that they never will be. Today we're talking about the kind of loss that reshapes us and the strength it takes to build a life, family, and purpose from that place. My guest shares incredible ways to give yourself permission to embrace grief fullheartedly, however that is, for you. I can't wait for you to listen. It's an amazing episode, so stay tuned. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother here. We help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past, build confidence in their present role, and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the Five Step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carleen. I am a motherhood empowerment and generational healing coach. My mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy, loving home environment for your family. Please remember my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. Let's get started. Today I am welcoming to the show Tara Accardo, a mama to her sweet daughter, grief and soul purpose coach, and the host of the Life with Grief podcast. Tara is passionate about making grief and loss relatable and normalized as possible. She believes we should have beautiful, raw, and honest conversations about navigating motherhood without our moms and embracing the grief that follows with an open heart. So, Tara, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I've been so excited. We've been talking about this for a little while, and I just can't wait for the listeners to hear your story and see your resilience and beauty and all of this. So I'm just so glad you're here. Thank you for coming on.

SPEAKER_02: 2:07

Oh my gosh, thank you for having me. I've been really looking forward to this too. I really am like, now that my daughter is a little over a year and a half, as of the time of this recording, at least, like I'm really starting to talk more about sort of my motherhood journey and like getting comfortable with that and what that looks like and feels like. And so I really am so passionate about this particular part of grief and this unique type of grief as well. So I'm excited to, dare I say, I'm excited to dig into this.

SPEAKER_01: 2:36

It can be exciting and it, I mean, it's it's all the things, right? Yes. Like that's what grief is. And I love that we're talking about embracing it and also bringing your perspective because yours is different than mine, right? My mother is still alive, but I grieve her because of mental illness and like distance. And, you know, there's just been lots of things that I haven't been able to have her in my life, you know. And then for you to come on and, you know, talk about losing your mother, and then I know your father as well. And so I love that we can talk about these different, you know, like different ways that we can all experience grief and how when we embrace it, it's it helps to navigate, right? Because it's a crazy wild journey. So let's just dive right into your experience, you know, and navigating motherhood without your mother. And I know you lost both your parents within, was it six months of one another, which is just like unimaginable. So I don't know. Let's just start with your story of that, and then we can go from there.

SPEAKER_02: 3:42

Yeah, I will give you an abbreviated version as much as possible. Um, yeah, I mean, before my parents died, I, you know, I had been through loss. I had lost a couple of grandparents, which were, you know, very sad in their own right. Of course, I lost my cousin when he was 20 in a really tragic car accident. Um, but I was I was very young when that happened. And not that it made it any easier, but you know, kids coping with grief, it's very different than when you're an adult, you understand it differently. And these are my parents, right? Like these are arguably the two people I've been closest to my entire life. They're my my North Stars, I like to say. So yeah, it it humbled me really fast. I'll just put it that way. But the long and short of it is my mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in like May or June-ish of uh 2019. And from diagnosis to passing, it was maybe like eight, eight-ish months. She died December in 2019. So she was only like 62, 63. I can't remember her exact age. It was young. I I a thousand percent consider that young. And I never thought I would lose my mom that way, that young, if that makes sense. Like, I don't know if anybody here can relate to like losing a loved one in a way that like doesn't match them and their personality, if that makes any sense at all. Like, I I and we have great like family genetics. So I'm just like, oh, that woman is gonna live until she's like 95 and she's so beautifully aloof and just like whatever. She's probably gonna get, I don't, she's gonna walk into the middle of the road and get hit by a car. Like, that is like literally, not to joke about that, but like yeah, seriously, that's we always were like laughing. We're like, oh, that's how she's gonna go. So this whole thing, it just was so surreal. I still like can't believe it's my life sometimes. And what was interesting about her journey too is you know, I really learned what anticipatory grief was, more so after the fact, because I never knew how to identify it before. But, you know, just her losing certain capacities, right? Like with esophageal cancer, the tumor was growing into her airway. So like her, she was mentally with it basically until the end, but like her her breathing was affected, so she had to get an emergency tracheotomy. I never heard her speak again after that. Like, it's like those things. I'm like, who prepares you for this? Like you're just you're just not. You're just not. And so that was absolutely devastating. And then, yeah, so December, my mom dies. My dad had already had prostate cancer for like five going on six years at this point, I think. And not that that diagnosis made any more sense for him, but like his dad had actually had prostate cancer and died of that. So a second ago, and I was like, you know, sometimes you're more surprised by certain ways that people leave us than others. I I don't want to say I was like not surprised, but okay, there was some history there. So there were it was just different, you know. It's not better, it's not worse, it's just different. But the really sad part is once my mom died, I think, you know, my dad just didn't know even like how to live without her. They'd been together over 35 years. He I think in a lot of ways didn't want to, like very died of a broken heart type situation. Oh, it was it was awful. I mean, you know, yeah, yeah, it's it's this you said 2019 was when she passed, and then it so this is July 2020 now that my when my dad died and COVID falling apart.

SPEAKER_00: 7:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 7:12

Oh exactly, and so it just added to the complexities of it. Basically, his cancer just metastasized. It did go to his brain, so there was new grief there in terms of watching my incredibly intelligent and just you know, full of life dad struggle with that, and like his you know, his brain was not working in the way that it once did, and that was really hard to watch and comprehend happen. Yeah, and then and then he died. So that was roughly within six months. And so, you know, I'm sitting here after all of that. I have my 19-year-old dog, she's 18 at the time, but you know, this dog I'd had since I was 10 years old. The only thing that's like keeping me going, because I went through a breakup within those six months as well, that was with my now husband. So, spoiler alert, we did get back together, but podcast for another day. But, you know, it was still very difficult. Um, it was not what I needed at the time, but it was a blessing in disguise. It was a blessing in disguise, I will say that. Because I think I needed that time to be with my dad to just focus solely on that, not a relationship that was kind of like floundering at the time, honestly. So that's why I sort of say now like it was a blessing. And I needed that alone time because I was just, I needed time to like, and not everybody needs that. I want to preface that. But for me, I think it was best at the time. And I'm an only only child. So again, not that having siblings is any less complex, but there's just some nuances to being an only child that you have to then cope with too. You're you're really in it by yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 8:42

Yeah, a completely different. It's a gallery. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 8:46

So it's even remotely lean on. Yeah, which I understand, I want to recognize. I understand having siblings sometimes is not helpful and sometimes makes it worse. And what I I see both sides. So again, we're never comparing. But yeah, and then and then my dog died the year later. And I was like, got to be kidding. It just was rock bottom, you know? And so from there, it was just sort of, I don't know, picking up the pieces of my life and figuring out like what uh being a daughter meant now and and just how to how to live with this. And that's ultimately what led me into grief coaching and my podcast and all of the things. But more recently, I I became a mom. So in January of 2024. And so, you know, my parents, they they thankfully did get to meet my husband, but they didn't, you know, get to see me get engaged. They weren't at my wedding and and they weren't there for the birth either. And we had a very traumatic birth. We were like very close to losing my daughter. So it just, again, those layers of complexity that they stay with you. I mean, there's there's trauma there. So a lot of not only just the work that I do, but a lot of the healing, so to speak, that I've had to figure out is like, okay, how do I not make sure that that's not stuck in my body and that that's, you know, and that I can cope with all of that, you know, on a day-to-day basis. And so last thing I'll say here and then I'll stop my rambling. But like for anyone that, you know, ever imposes any kind of timeline on it or whatever, I'm like, can we please remember these moments that like, you know, I didn't have my daughter five years ago when my parents died. So of course that's going to bring up new grief and and new layers to that. So I always just want to mention that for any listeners here, like, please know, like, you are so seen in that today, if that is the journey and the path that you're on, because it's it's not easy and not everybody sees and recognizes that.

SPEAKER_01: 10:46

Yeah, absolutely. And thank you for sharing. That is just like a whirlwind. I mean, it's so tragic and like so many things happening, and then you become a mother and you're going through this and you don't have your mom or your dad. And it's just like, you're right, like these layers. And so how do you even like where do you even start? I mean, a traumatic birth, and then you know, your daughter's a year and a half. And so, like, my question is how do you even embrace the grief? Like, that's what we're talking about today, because it feels like, you know, it's almost like, no, I don't want to feel this, right? Like, we don't want to put a timeline, we want it to go away. We don't, you know, like how do you embrace it? What do you do to actually let yourself feel and then of course get that gunk, like the icky, traumatic, you know, those things out. What is your process? Because that is a huge deal. I mean, it's like also layered and complex.

SPEAKER_02: 11:48

Yes, definitely. And it is a process. That's literally the perfect word for it. And I want to preface all of this. Like, it has been a process. Mind you, this has been, you know, five years now. I think, I think it's officially been wow. Oh my God, is it six years without both of my parents now?

unknown: 12:03

Wow.

SPEAKER_02: 12:03

Yeah, I guess it will be this year. Time is escaping me. But yeah, so this has been, you know, long time coming, and there's been a lot of things along the lines that have helped me along, and I can touch on some of those. But I think when it comes, because I can understand how like the term embracing grief might be a little off-putting, or you know, people be like, what are you talking about? And literally the name of like my, I hate to say brand, but I never know what else to call it. What started as a blog and is now sort of my grief community is called Losses Become Gains. And the name of that is not so pointed in that, like, we have to find gains from our losses. Like we, we have to make something out of all of this, or we have to find meaning, we have to find purpose, or just be grateful and move on. It's not about that. It's like all of if all of those things come, wonderful. But if you know it has to be on our own time, it has to be within our own control, I guess. Like we can't just have people telling us to be grateful and oh, okay, that's gonna happen now. Like, no, but I think that's what naturally unfolds with time. But also, you know, time does not necessarily heal all wounds by itself. I am a big proponent in that. Like, you there is some work here that has to go into it, right? We make a choice to get up every day and do things that light us up and spark joy for us and all of that. And so for me, it's been a big, you know, path of self-discovery in that way. Um, and really living in alignment and being like my most embodied self. But yeah, it takes a lot of time and intention and feeling that out and what feels right for us. And I one like distinction I think in terms of like the embracing grief, I think that's good to note is again, it's not like we have to be happy about anything that happened, right? We don't have to like embrace that. For me, it's more just embracing almost like permission, permission to be sad when we need to be freaking sad, permission to laugh our butts off when something's really, really funny.

SPEAKER_01: 14:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 14:07

Because that happened to me a week or two after my mom died. And let me tell you, I felt so slimy for that. I went like wine tasting. We live in the wine country here in California. And I think it was, I don't know why, but I think to half get my mind off things, whatever. Within a couple of weeks, I went like wine tasting, right? With a couple of friends, and I had a great time. And you better believe that my mom's very recent death was in the back of my mind. But absolutely. If you were to look at pictures from that day, you would never know that I was a girl that just lost her mom two weeks ago. So it was like just holding space for that duality. It's a very typical, like, you know, grief and joy can coexist. I say typical because I see it a lot, but I I realize not everybody like hears that often. So I have to remind myself. But it's true. And so there are so many dualities in grief that we need to acknowledge and hold space for. And another thing I've also learned in terms of like the the quote embracing thing is that not everybody's gonna understand your journey. There are still people, and I'm not gonna, I don't want to sound like insensitive here, but it's like older generations, I'll just say that, who have been taught a very different mindset on grief and talking about it and what that should look like and feel like, and all the things, have imposed a lot of opinions on me and what I should be thinking and feeling, and that I should not be talking about it in the way that I am or whatever. And and that's really tough because that can make us feel even more isolated and lonely in our journey when we have like those outside noises and people trying to, you know, impose all the things. So I always like to just do a little mindset shift there and like, you know what, just know that this journey is yours. I always kind of use like the, you know, stay in your own lane in terms in terms of what you know we impose on other people as well. But, you know, just remembering that a lot of people's, you know, thoughts or opinions or whatever are truly a reflection on them and what they have been taught and raised and things to like to feel and process grief. But that does not mean that that is what you have to do in yours. And it really is just it for me, it just comes in down to checking in on ourselves. Am I okay today? Let me take a few breaths. What do I need today? You know, because no one's yeah, people might check in on us, but eventually that fades and no one's gonna do it for us. So if anything, I just like to kind of shift it, you know, when when we're ready, someone who's like really new in the grief space right now, this might be a little much to hear. But when we're ready, just just shifting that and just feeling empowered to, again, grieve on our own terms, on our own timeline, and understand that like that path is gonna look different for each and every one of us. And, you know, just just kind of block out the noise a little bit. And that being said, also finding a very supportive community because I have a lot of great friends and family, but they're not gonna understand my unique grief, right? Like I have a wonderful husband, but he still has two very happy, healthy parents. Like there's no, I can't expect him to understand what I've been through the same way. You know, he didn't see a lot of the very traumatic hospital visits that I had to endure with my parents, right? We we processed what happened with my daughter very differently because of that, right? Because I've been in those hospital situations. He hasn't, right? So it's like, again, the nuances are very important. But I think that's just what I would say in terms of what embracing grief really means, what that feels like. It's I think it really just comes down to like having compassion for ourselves and and permission to like feel empowered, that we can like take our healing, if you will, into our own hands.

SPEAKER_01: 18:00

That's so beautiful. I love that. I love that permission and empowerment and really just recognizing that everybody is different. And it it reminds me of just like I know you've probably heard recently of like the news and like these horrible things that happened. And there was the shooting of Charlie Kirk and his wife, and people have been commenting on her and saying, like, I just got chills. The reason I bring this up is because it's exactly what you were talking about of how it's like people want to put, they want to make grief look and feel and be a certain way, but then it's like, hold on, like we all are navigating this differently. Some people might show up, some people might need to stay in and like before.

SPEAKER_02: 18:44

We're recruits for a while. Yeah, maybe it's giving her. I I'm certainly not gonna speculate, but maybe it's keeping her going, stepping into that right now. Maybe she needs that distraction, maybe she feels lit up by his work and wants to carry that, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 18:58

Great example though, because I've seen a lot of oh, and it's a quick reminder for just like I saw a video and I thought about you, and I thought, oh my gosh, I bet she would have something, you know, like she's got this is just crazy. I mean, it's just wild. And we need to remember that we are all on this individual journey, but we can be together and support each other, but also stay in our lane, right?

SPEAKER_02: 19:20

Yes, like respectively, stay in your lane.

SPEAKER_01: 19:22

Yeah, necessary, yeah. Well, so for anybody listening, I completely forgot to bring my charger and I'm at 11%. So we're having to kind of wrap up this episode a little quicker than I wanted to, but I wanted Tara specifically to talk about some of the ways that she has healed and processed the grief specifically when it comes to navigating motherhood without your mother, that component, you know, and like I know this is kind of a loaded question, but what have you found to be the most helpful or healing in this specific genre? So I don't even know what word to use in Greek, right? Because this is like a subset, you know, it's like you lose your parent, but then you become a mom and you don't have her. So I would love to hear just quick remarks about that and um yeah, just that experience for you.

SPEAKER_02: 20:19

Yeah. I'll do some like really quick, kind of like tangible tools and things that have helped me. I think number one, you know, just knowing that like my mom's never gonna be replaced. And I have a wonderful mother-in-law, but you know, it's not the same. And and that's been another layer of this, right? Watching my in-laws get that relationship with my daughter that my parents are never gonna get. That is heartbreaking. And that's been, you know, I just I honestly I've gotten really good at talking to myself and talking myself through it, talking myself off a ledge if I have to. I love that. It's true. And so breath work, big one, right? Box breath, like just coming back to our breath, literally leaving the room for a second if I have to, honestly, like, you know, just even if it's not around them, just in general, right? Like just getting my my little alone time. I like my coming back to myself has been my sanctuary, honestly. And so, and just embracing, you know, I don't want to say like loneliness. There's a very dis there's a distinction there, right? Loneliness versus like that alone time. So just again, finding a lot of like peace within myself. You know, meditation's been a big part of my journey. Journaling, I know journaling is like such a buzzword now, but like it's true. I do like a little five-minute practice in the morning and evening. I, you know, look at things like what I'm what I'm grateful for, what I am grateful for, not to harp on gratitude practices, but like what I'm excited for that day at night, you know, what were three things that were great that day? You know, like it's not to focus on the positive, but in those moments where we feel like everything has been stripped away from us, our relationships with our mothers, which is like such a big deal, and we more them every single second of every single day, even if it's not like active mourning, right? Just yeah, just you know, honoring that relationship however long we had it, and acknowledging actively, like, I don't have to be happy about the fact that I don't get more time with her, but just honoring both, being grateful for what we had, but you know, again, giving ourselves permission for feeling robbed of that time and knowing that that's okay and that it does not feel fair, you know, just validating um ourselves and that. So that's been a big thing for me too. Yeah. And then, you know, certain, certain books, honestly, um, Untamed by Glenn and Doyle was one that was given to me very early on in my grief journey. And it's touches on some aspects of grief, but like also just life and stuff in general. So I've honestly found the right books, the right podcasts and things, you know, just to keep my mind open and expanded and creative. And for me, especially, and you know, this is just my relationship with my mom, but I know she would not want me to like wallow and be stuck on the way that she died or anything like that. So just, you know, still kind of like living and continuing to live and honor her in that way. And then just, you know, all these beautiful lessons and things from my parents parenting me, taking some of that and instilling that in my daughter too. And making sure I still have fun because grief takes a lot from us and it feels like we can't have fun anymore sometimes, I think, or that's where we can get really stuck and we don't give ourselves the permission to feel joy and have fun. But that's brought out new layers for me too. And so just making sure I'm, you know, giving that back to my daughter too.

SPEAKER_01: 23:40

I love that. And I love, I love this theme that we've been talking about of permission, like permission to be joyous, permission to be angry, permission to have a long time, right? Permission to feel and to just let these things be, but also to, like you said, thinking about, you know, your mother and what she would want, and you know, her and her just not wanting you to wallow. She doesn't want you to be sad and that misconception about grief that are like, oh, we have to be sad forever. Like, yeah, we're gonna feel sad for the rest of our lives. We're gonna also experience joy and and all these different things, and that that's okay. So that is just truly it's amazing.

SPEAKER_02: 24:22

And I uh I hate to cut this shorter than like it's just a really powerful, like big reminder for everyone today, if nothing else. Yeah, powerful.

SPEAKER_01: 24:31

And I love that. I mean, your social media is amazing. So anyone listening, I'll tag you, you know, in the episode, but they can follow along and listen to your podcast and all the work that you do and the coaching that you do. Like, if you want to work with Tara, you should because she's amazing. And it's just it's so amazing too to know that we we have people who understand what it's like to navigate motherhood without your mother, because even though you and I have different experiences, we're doing this without the support and the guidance and you know, all of this from our moms, and it's just a totally different layer. So if you're listening, you're not alone and you have permission to feel. And yeah, it's just it's a wild journey, but we're here for it, and it's it's gonna be okay in the end.

SPEAKER_02: 25:19

It is slowly but surely, yeah, literally, step at a time, as always. That's what I always say, and that's that's another big thing that's gotten me through, right? And just acknowledging that, like, you know, the five stages of grief is not a thing, it's very misinterpreted. And one thing I always heard someone say was, yeah, I experienced the five stages of grief in the same morning. And I'm like, yes, okay. I'm like, that's so accurate. So just like, you know, giving ourselves grace when and if that is the case.

SPEAKER_01: 25:48

Absolutely. Well, thank you again for being on the show. You're just incredible and so grateful to have you. So thank you so much for having me. This is great.