35. How to Navigate Holidays, Birthdays and Milestones Without Your Mother

The holidays are approaching, and with them, a familiar ache hits deeper than most realize for the mom navigating motherhood without her mother. 

In today's heartfelt episode, Alyssa Carlene explores the complicated mix of emotions that show up during holidays, birthdays, and family milestones when your mom isn't here to share them. Whether your loss is recent or years old... Whether your relationship was loving, complicated, or both...these meaningful days can bring grief to the surface. 

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• Why do holidays and milestones feel so much heavier for me without my mom?
• How can I permit myself to feel grief and joy at the same time?
• What boundaries can I set to protect my peace during special events?
• How can I honor my mother’s memory in small, meaningful ways?
• How do I keep moving forward and build new traditions while still missing her?

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello everyone. We are approaching the holiday season, and it is the time of year when grief really hits harder, right? And it it kind of sneaks up on you and really hits you like a wave. Halloween is next week, or this week, I mean, and we have Thanksgiving, Christmas time. So I really wanted to dedicate an entire episode to navigating holidays, birthdays, and other milestones without your mother, including four ways that you can go through and really find peace during the difficulty of doing this without your mom. And then a closing reflection to bring it all back and to remind you of your power as a mom and who you are today and the power of the present moment. I'm so happy that you're here. Thank you for listening. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past, build confidence in the present role, and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the Five Step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carleen. I am a motherhood empowerment and generational healing coach. My mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy, loving home environment for your family. Please remember my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. Let's get started. So growing up as a little girl, I remember often birthdays were something that my mom really struggled with. And I think it was due to a variety of factors, but there were many birthdays where she just could not be available to me. And then to lose her later in my life, not to death, but to alcoholism, drug addiction, uh rehabilitation, physical distance. I've had to also navigate more birthdays, and not only that, but my children's birthdays and so many other events, Christmases, I mean, you name it without my mom. And I feel like I've sort of gotten to this point where I've accepted it and I, you know, I kind of act like it's it it doesn't really, it maybe doesn't carry the weight that it used to. But then there are times when the event will be happening like the birthday or Christmas, whatever it is, and it hits me really hard. And a couple years ago, it was my birthday in 2023. I think I spent the half, the first half of the day in bed crying in grief, because in the time uh my mom was uh in a different rehab, unavailable to me. And also my relationship with her mother, my grandmother was non-existent at the time she had cut me off, and it's it's different now, thankfully. But I remember feeling so heartbroken that I didn't have my mom and I didn't have my grandma. And I spent the first half of the day, like I said, just crying in bed, and then I pulled myself up and I said, Okay, I gotta get out of bed, I gotta do something. It's my birthday, you know, it's my birthday for goodness sakes. And I just wanted to share that because you're not alone. I know what this feels like, and it's okay to grieve, it's okay to be sad and to cry. And this first part really leads right into that is that your feelings aren't wrong. I think sometimes we feel like these negative emotions or resentment, pain, like whatever, are wrong and bad, but they're just not. A lot of us carry these silent pressures to just be grateful and to smile and to hold it all together despite these big feelings, and especially the fact that any sort of holiday milestone birthday can trigger those emotions again. So, yeah, joy, it exists, but grief also exists, and both can be together. You can celebrate your kid's birthday and simultaneously miss the woman who would have loved to be there. You can decorate the cre the tr you can decorate the Christmas tree, and then you can go cry in your bathroom. You can be excited for the future and still really long for the past. There's nothing wrong with this dichotomy of feelings, with this reality that you can be super happy but also really sad at the same time. And the reality is that there is something right with you. The second part is about really letting yourself be human. When these special days come around, you have to give yourself the permission to take a break when your emotions are heightened, to say no to any tradition or event that's really gonna drain you, and then to create something new that is going to be supportive. And you've got to communicate. You've got to communicate with the people around you, your loved ones, and don't feel like you have to apologize. Don't feel like you have to say, oh, I'm so sorry, you know, maybe your mother passed away years ago, and you feel like, well, it was so long ago. I I can't, you know, I should just be over it. No, stop. Like that's not that's not how that works. So don't feel like you have to constantly apologize for expressing that, hey, I need to step away. I can't go to this Christmas event. It's going to bring up too much for me. And, you know, you don't have to pretend like your day is easier or even make it harder by expecting perfection. I think there are moments often in my life where I have to remember, hey, I'm a human being. And that we all are human beings. We're allowed to feel and we're also allowed to guard those emotions and protect our peace. The third part is to really honor her presence in your own way. If a certain event or milestone is really triggering for you to celebrate, what could you do to tame that, the beast that is, you know, feeling those emotions, feeling that grief, the beast that is grief. Maybe it's sharing a really special story about your mother with your children, or lighting a candle to remember her. You could make her favorite dessert, play a song that makes you feel close, wear something that reminds you of her. I haven't really done this. I feel like I've sort of just had the sadness, I've had the the big, big feelings, and then I go and move on and I go to you know whatever event it is or or milestone. But I want to be better about honoring my mom, even though there's been so much trauma and there was abuse and you know, just a history of abandonment and neglect. She's still my mom. I want to honor her and her highest self, if that makes sense. Really, we get to decide what's going to keep that connection alive. And I like that we can bring intention to it. And it doesn't have to be this huge thing, it could be a a prayer, right? To God, like, please, God, let me honor my mother's memory while still nurturing myself and my children. And then the fourth part is I want you to know that you are still building something beautiful, even without your mother, you are creating new memories, establishing traditions, maybe you're breaking cycles, and you're loving your family. And all of that is sacred. Really, you're the bridge between what was and what will be. And I know that your mother would be proud of how you continue to show up, even when it hurts, even if you are estranged from her, even if whatever your circumstances, if you imagine your mother in her highest angelic form, just know that that that person, that version of her, I think she would respect and honor and love. I really do. So for the closing reflection, if you can do this, take a minute to just place your hand on your heart. And if you don't do it right now, that's fine. But today, at some point, really place your hand on your heart and breathe. And then ask yourself, what is one loving way I can care for my heart as I move through this next milestone? I was just meeting with my coach today, and we were talking about doing inner child healing. And I was telling her that I've had a lot of rumination, kind of obsessive thinking, and it it's it's gone on for years and years, and it's gotten better, but I still have these triggers. And I told her that, you know, I have this deep desire within myself to really do more that more of this inner child healing. And she said, you need to go look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes, and only the eyes, and tell yourself that you love, I love you. I see you, I'm here for you. Because you're doing that to the little girl inside that needs you, the the young mom that needs you, whatever stage, that old version of you, and also you right now. So thank you for joining me for this short but really heartfelt conversation. I know that the holidays can bring up a lot, and I wish you the very best in navigating whatever it may be and know that I'm here for you, I'm rooting for you. I have a Facebook community if that speaks to you. And also if today's episode resonated with you, share it with someone who it might resonate with too. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to feel the grief and to process it. We are so much stronger when we don't do this alone. Thank you for listening. I'll see you next time. And if you have a moment and this show has helped you in any way, resonated with you, please consider leaving a review. It would help me so much and help also get this message out to other mothers in need. Thanks again.