Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother

31. When Mother Figures Come & Go: Finding Stability Through Loss with Samantha Welch

• Alyssa Carlene Rogers - Motherhood Empowerment & Generational Healing Coach • Episode 31

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How do you find stability when you lose your mother and have subsequent mother figures come and go throughout your life? It's devastating to navigate such huge losses, espeically as a mother, but there is hope and healing along the way! 

Today on Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother, Alyssa Carlene talks with Samantha Welch, an amazing girl mama of three with an incredible story. When Samantha was nine years old, her mother passed away in a house fire. Throughout the rest of her childhood, she experienced mother figures enter and depart, some not even leaving with a goodbye. Samantha shares how she found true healing through nourishing her relationship with God, inner child work, and forgiveness. 

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

  • How can I break cycles of dysfunction and find resources to do so? 
  • What can I do to soften my heart so I no longer live with unforgiveness? 
  • What is a healthy way to grieve, and is it okay to grieve? 
  • Where can I find support in navigating motherhood without my mother? 

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

SPEAKER_00:

How do you find stability when you lose your mother and then you have motherly figures come and go all throughout your life? It can feel like one thing after another when you feel the letdown and the grief that comes from navigating these serious, big losses. So today on the podcast, I have a very incredible guest who has an amazing story to share about losing her mother at such a young age and then navigating life after that with various stepmothers and mother figures coming and entering leaving and departing all throughout her years my guest talks on so many really necessary subjects maybe even taboo we talk forgiveness we talk about love we talk about breaking cycles this is such a great episode take care of yourself mama There is talk of trauma, abuse, lots of things, and I just want you to know that it is possible to heal and navigate motherhood without your mother. And real quick, before we dive into this amazing conversation, please know that if you are feeling the loss of a motherly figure and you want community, my Facebook group, Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother, is here for you. This is a place where we can thrive together. We can heal together. We can grow together. It's a safe spot. It's private and it's a community. I really hope you would consider joining because it is amazing. We would love to have you there. My guest of the episode today is also a part of this group. So without further ado, let's get into this conversation. It's so important and necessary. I can't wait for you to hear it. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past build confidence in their present role and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the five-step roots framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a motherhood empowerment and generational healing coach. My mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy, loving home environment for your family. Please remember my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. Let's get started. Today I'd like to welcome to the podcast Samantha Welch. Samantha is a girl mom of three. She's passionate about homeschooling her children, photography, and helping moms utilize AI through her own podcast called AI for Mompreneurs. She has an amazing story that I can't wait for you all to hear. Thank you, Samantha, for being here this morning. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I am super pumped to be here.

SPEAKER_00:

We've been talking about this for a couple months now so this is really good that we sat down and we're doing it and I'm just so excited. So today we are talking about when mother figures come and go through your life and how you can find stability through loss. So let's go ahead and start with your story. Your story about navigating motherhood without your mother and I know that you lost your mother at a young age so if we want to just kind of start there and tell me what that was like to experience that. I think you mentioned you were nine years old when she passed away. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like I have kind of a unique story because I have experienced both losing my mother at a young age, but then also going through multiple like stepmothers and stuff. I actually grew up in like a really rough, abusive childhood. Like my dad was super abusive and I had my mom for my the first nine years of my life before she passed away but even at that point she was really more just coping herself with just the abuse that was happening in the home and so I even felt like at a very young age that I actually mothered my mother more than she mothered me now there are of course like I love my I love my mom dearly still love my mom and there was lots of good and happy moments But I still, when I think about like mother figure in my life, I kind of am like, I don't know if I've ever actually had like a normal, whatever that means. siblings that lived so my mother passed away in a house fire with the two younger siblings were five of us all together so the top three I'm the oldest and then I have two sisters that are living and then my brother and sister passed away yeah it's just so I felt like after that she died I actually just naturally stepped into almost the mother role to my sisters because of already dealing with all of that trauma trauma and abuse before she passed away

SPEAKER_00:

yeah yeah and I'm so sorry I didn't realize that you also lost two other siblings that's just it's tragic and feeling like you already were in this mother role and then she passes away with your family do you feel like your dad he also put that pressure on you do you feel like that or was he just kind of already so off the charts that you just felt like you had to step up you're you're the oldest you just felt like it was you had to you didn't have a choice is that what you felt like

SPEAKER_01:

yeah both really so before my mom passed away there was that unhealthy relationship of kind of this codependency right where my mom didn't really have anybody stable in her life and he had cut her off from all her friends and everything so I kind of stepped in as like almost friend whatever and I remember even like towards the end right before she passed away encouraging her like you need to leave you need to get out of here I will pack our bags now you need to go and of course she never did it and probably would never have I don't know but then after she passed away then yes I was pretty much forced into that position of being more of a mother especially between all the stepmothers just because my dad just was like well you know somebody's gotta do this role and so I just naturally went into doing things like the cooking cleaning laundry keeping my sisters from like getting us all into trouble basically

SPEAKER_00:

all this stuff Yeah. And that's parentification, right? I don't know if you've heard that term. and your siblings did your dad start to bring in you know new stepmothers or motherly figures in your life

SPEAKER_01:

yeah so he moved on real quick which bothered me so he was seeing somebody and married less than a year before after she died yeah that's just and so and that relationship was off and on for five years and I learned a lot from her a lot of things that like I gleaned and a lot of things that I wasn't because usually somebody who is of that abusive narcissistic nature attracts somebody who has that kind of that codependency you might say not all the time but a lot of times hurt people kind of come together you know so I learned a lot from her in that five years she'd be like with us six months and then she'd be gone for six months and then she'd be with us four months and then she'd be gone for like eight months you know like it was like this off and on for five years but there's a lot of things I gleaned from her and a lot of things that I was like there's no way I'm going to be doing it this Yeah,

SPEAKER_00:

absolutely. And I feel like too, you're just so young, you know, you're transitioning from child to teenager at that point, which still is a child. And just especially noticing and it seems like you noticed too, and you seem like an old soul. And I feel like people say that about me too. It's always like the oldest child that kind of has to step into the motherly parental role really young. But it seems like you were able to to clearly see okay this person is part of our life and she has been helpful in this way but you know even thinking about you in the future I'm not gonna do this as a mom and so okay so she was a part of your life for five years you said and then that ended and you had another stepmother come in and all the all the while you're grieving your mother and yeah probably pretty angry with your dad So tell me, you know, what what was going on then? How old were you and what happened next

SPEAKER_01:

through that? years old looking at a situation and being like, that is completely wrong. I can't tell you why it's wrong, but I know it's wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow. Yeah. Five years old. I have a five-year-old.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I totally got off track and then missed the question. No, that's

SPEAKER_00:

okay. Okay. So she became your stepmother, this new woman. And then, yeah. So what happened next after her?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So they did get married and then off and on for five years there was a really a long period of time between about the ages of 9 and 12 that I was still in shock over my mother's death because like remember my mom was like my only person she's like my best friend you might say and now looking back as an adult with my own kids I realized how unhealthy it was but it was like I just lost her all you know lost everything and so for about from 9 to 12 I literally told myself that she was still alive she was prepared a life for us and she was going to come back and get me and I remember when it happened when I was 12 when I came to the realization that no this is she's gone for good you know and it was like a total and complete like breakdown moment where and that was when I finally started was able to start to grieve her death and realize oh no like I'm actually on my own in this

SPEAKER_00:

thing you know to accept it yeah because for a while

SPEAKER_01:

I

SPEAKER_00:

think and that also seems like it was survival

SPEAKER_01:

yeah and there is a lot of putting her on in this pedestal which don't get me wrong I'm not talking bad about anybody obviously God puts people in our lives and I love my mother dearly but as you get to be an adult and you start dealing with your own issues and your own traumas you start realizing I had her on this pedestal, but actually that's not what I want at all, you know? And you can still love someone, truly love somebody, and then also realize that there was some stuff there that you don't want in your own life and to pass on, you know?

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. I completely am right here with you. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, we're talking about our mothers, you know, and you're right. And so it's, it's really, it's kind of a hard thing and it might be hard to explain to other people but when you become a mom yourself and you look back you think wait a minute that wasn't that was not right so I love that and I love that you touched on that and the old soul and I think maybe many listening would probably feel the same with that because of the situations that they grew up with so you had this other stepmother and then did they divorce did they separate and you were at this point 12 or 13 years old you were just starting to really grieve your mother and your dad brought in another person into the family

SPEAKER_01:

yeah so actually I was like 14 15

SPEAKER_00:

okay

SPEAKER_01:

whenever they finally did their final split which was super nasty there were two half siblings with that marriage and it just it was it was awful but my dad had all his issues and then she you know we all have our issues right he met all of the stepmothers online by the way wrote them letters they just came sight unseen married him and moved in

SPEAKER_00:

wow okay you must be very convincing yeah

SPEAKER_01:

yeah so the next one um she was actually from Australia and she had seven of her own kids and then was going through had just recently lost her husband like a year and a half or so she was probably like the best as far as the mom figure I learned so much from her which just how she interacted with her kids she was grieving which made her vulnerable I think to my dad's persuasion but then also she was a good mom so I learned a lot from her she only was with us for like four months but in the four months I actually genuinely felt like she cared about me she I wouldn't say love because four months is a really short time to like bring somebody into your heart and be like I love you but I felt like she tried to have a relationship and everything so I learned a lot from her and then I was actually really glad when she left because I was vested in her and I wanted her out of the situation and you wanted her well-being yeah you were like

SPEAKER_00:

you're gonna do better

SPEAKER_01:

outside yeah it's like I totally get it you should totally go

SPEAKER_00:

and like with my for you though because you know she was like this motherly figure but that just shows your already maturity old soul wisdom where you're realizing as 14 15 this isn't healthy you know this this woman she's a motherly figure but she she shouldn't be here this isn't right

SPEAKER_01:

yeah I think at that point I was

SPEAKER_00:

16

SPEAKER_01:

maybe yeah and then uh 17 we had another stepmother and she had equally had as many issues as my dad in just different ways and then she stayed with us about four months And then she left. And I think I was more at that point just annoyed that someone else was in my space. Because, like, by the time you've gone through all of that stuff, you're like, I can do everything way better. So just leave me alone.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? Yeah, you had to grow up, like, so much faster than other children. And your dad just keeps bringing, like, repeating these cycles. Meanwhile, you're, like, probably counting down the days until you can move out. you know and and leave on your own

SPEAKER_01:

yeah sort of except I was held captive so I ended up escaping and running away story oh my goodness but what was hard though is like with the first stepmother every time she would leave she would do it very spontaneous and secretly so she would like send us some send us down to play or the last time she did it her daughter the step sister took us off and talked about how we were going to be sisters forever and then we just show up and the car is loaded and they're gone so I felt like I had a lot of issues with women like I have a lot of issues with men so bad but for the grace of God right it was hard because it's really whenever you feel like over and over and over again you get rejected and even though as an adult I understand that the rejection was not me it was my dad right they couldn't live there anymore but whenever you're a kid growing up in that to see that rejection over and over again and the whole secret to leaving the one reason that I love the third the second stepmother so much is that she actually pulled this aside and was like look I have to go and I remember just appreciating so much that she actually told us she was leaving instead of being like surprise car's loaded bye you Yeah,

SPEAKER_00:

because you need that stability. And any time that someone else abandoned or betrayed me, even if it was a completely different situation, it was like they hit that button and it was just even deeper because you already have this wound. You already have this gaping wound inside of you. So to have that and, yeah, to experience that at least one of them say, and be honest and truthful with you, I'm sure you appreciated and you thought, this is an attribute that I want to take, but all this other stuff, no way. You know, this isn't fair. This isn't right.

UNKNOWN:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. And even like the death of my mother felt like an abandonment to me because it was sort of like, oh, nice. you're leaving me in this bad situation you know which is obviously we talk about all of this and whenever I've gone through like a ton of my own therapy and just healing and God's work in my own heart right and so I can look back now and actually rationally say of course that was an abandonment whatever but as a kid when you're trying to process these huge things that are never you're never helped to be processed you never have any help processing right then it can appear and look like these certain things it can appear like abandonment even though it was death right you can feel like things are personal even though as an adult I look back and I'm like oh well of course they had to get out of this situation because most of them had their own kids right so I don't fault them at all but that doesn't mean that there's still not that inner child wounding you know Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I, I love that you can see that now and that you've taken the time today to, and over however long, however many years that you've gone through the therapy and done the healing. But it is, it is, I think, such a blessing that we can have that hindsight. But you're right. And that inner child is still there, you know, and there are times when, you know, she's screaming out to us, she's screaming out to you saying, like, I need you, I needed a mommy, you know, I needed a mother. Yeah. yeah so let's get back to then you're 16 this is now the second right or third third mother third and she's and now so and is this the one from Australia

SPEAKER_01:

no that was the second and

SPEAKER_00:

so gosh this is just I can't even believe you yeah you're amazing this is so uh okay so what was the timeline there with that I'm trying to remember and keep up with all of this

SPEAKER_01:

with the third one that was like Like, 17. And she was only with us for, like, four months.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Okay, so then she leaves. Yeah. And did she say anything, or she just left?

SPEAKER_01:

No, she just left. she left without even goodbye like it was like done she was

SPEAKER_00:

gone so sad yeah 17 and so yeah so tell me now kind of what your life was looking like what was happening how you were feeling at that point

SPEAKER_01:

oh at that point all through my teenage years I remember just praying that God would send me a husband that was not like my dad that I could be like a good mom and I could have like a future after she left then it was like another year and I was about well I was like a couple months from being 19 when I finally long story but basically I started I was sneaking on the computer emailing my now husband and um finally got up the courage to leave and so and I I was I snuck away obviously I didn't say goodbye or anything my sisters knew I was leaving of course like we we knew that my dad didn't so I snuck away and then I went and lived with my grandma so my mom's mom it wasn't long after that that I actually got married and then after I got married three months in I was pregnant so I didn't know what I was doing

SPEAKER_00:

but you were just like I bet head over heels and then okay so I have a couple questions for you your grandma what was that relationship like because this is a motherly figure And this is your mom's mom. What was your relationship like with her?

SPEAKER_01:

I have a great relationship with my grandma. At that point, there was not a ton of mothering. It was more of these are my home rules. I'm 19. I go and I get my GED and I get a job. And then a year, I live with her a year and then I'm married. So it wasn't like, I would say, a huge opportunity for mothering. She has her own traumas as well. So I feel like we were just together. together and I don't know I felt like it was kind of like a grandma situation but also just I don't want to say friendship but you know just family I don't know yeah yeah

SPEAKER_00:

you know and I think it was nice and good for you to have her it was and

SPEAKER_01:

she was just a stable person that was there while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do and my first job and figure out like how to navigate the world because I didn't have any previous experience in anything so it was basically just like figuring this all out by myself my grandma was there and I didn't know how to drive or anything so she was driving me to where I needed to go and all this stuff

SPEAKER_00:

yeah yeah and so you say you escaped so it must have been really bad at home and did you end up just cutting off your dad because it was so toxic that you just let What was that like? I'd love to kind of dive into that a little bit too, because I know some people listening have dealt with estrangement or like really toxic family. So

SPEAKER_01:

tell me about that. in order to start a process of healing and that sounds really harsh to be like just cut off but I think like sometimes you just have to do that if somebody you know if somebody is willing to work with you and to change and to do better or whatever then there's that grace that you can extend right and you can you can kind of start navigating together but when someone is just like purely toxic and their only want is to take you back into that that's whenever you you have to kind of cut that off and it's it's hard honestly it wasn't that hard for me but when you grow up in an environment where it's just nothing but bad and I had unforgiveness for years and years and years towards my dad like I just truly was like it was be awesome if he just was if he would just die I know that sounds awful but and I I know that you know that's not just with dads there's a lot of people who are dealing that with that with their moms as well where it's just so much toxic stuff you're just like oh my gosh my life would be so much less dramatic there'd be less drama if they would just go and yeah I have felt you know and I and I obviously obviously like that I know that people are going but I'm just being honest here with what was going through my head and the feelings that I had. It was just... But, I mean, when I was growing up, I used to wish him dead as well. You know? And I'm saying that out loud, but I'm actually giving people permission to be like, that's okay, but don't stay there. Like, that's... We want to work through that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because this is real. This is a real thing, and I think that people listening are going to relate. Because, you know... and not to kind of turn this and make it about me but my mom a couple years ago she literally died she died she overdosed they said she was brain dead I said goodbye to her I was I was I felt so much peace because I thought she's gone she's she's at peace and then she came back to life and I remember my first impression my sister and I when we found out she was alive we were like this is a nightmare like this is a nightmare and you know my dad and brother were like this is a miracle and it was just like so and you know I've kind of come around but like this show too is about talking about these taboo things and making it so that we can talk about it you went through so much abuse and trauma you know that you had these thoughts but you're right the part where if you stay in that if you stay in that anger if you stay in that you know I'm not going to forgive that's when you start to notice you're not going to progress yeah and it eventually you you forgive and it seems like you did but it took yeah and sometimes you're not ready to forgive right I don't want to think that people feel like forced to do that you have to be do it on your own terms you know

SPEAKER_01:

yeah I will say though that unforgiveness was destroying my life so it was like the things that I wanted to not be right and we're talking about moms here but we also pick up things from our dads as well the things I did not want to be it were things I was becoming because I was holding on to this unforgiveness this kind of like hatred because I felt like it was my right to it was kind of my right to hold on to this I was like he does not deserve my forgiveness and I've even had to go through this with my mom a little bit too of course like I can't broach her and say this but I still had to go with that with her as well as saying I have a right to be a little bit mad. I have a right to hold on to this. I have a, like, this is mine. Like, you see the Lord of the Rings where it's like, Smeagol's like my precious with the ring. I love the Lord of the Rings too. That's how it felt to me though. With that unforgiveness, that thing I was holding on to as my precious and it's destroying me from the inside out, right? And so, and I was becoming what I was trying not to be what I did not want to be because of holding on to that

SPEAKER_00:

yeah that's beautiful thank you for sharing that it takes a lot of gosh it takes a lot of humility it takes a lot of letting go you have to I mean forgiveness I always say that forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person because forgiveness for me it set me free it was like breaking shackles because I felt the same way I think for a long time I felt like it needed to be this whole process I didn't want to do it I was kind of sitting in my anger it's my right you know these people did this to me but really when you forgive it's like oh my gosh this is wow this is really healing but that doesn't mean that you just like forget you know that's so dumb I hate the forgive and forget that's just so ridiculous

SPEAKER_01:

no you can absolutely forgive and absolutely have nothing to do with them at the same time and that is absolutely fine I think what also brought me to the point of forgiveness is because I did desire to be a good mom and I did desire the absolute best for my girls and so I didn't forgive for myself honestly if it had just been me myself and I I would have probably held on to it because it felt really good to have my vengeance right but I did I went through that process I didn't really do this God did this in me but we went through this process I did this for my kids and I think as moms if that's sometimes the biggest driving force with us when it comes to dealing with those brokenness of our relationships like especially of parents is that we have to realize that if we want like if it is about the kids now if it stopped with me I probably would have held on to some stuff but it didn't it continued with my kids and I wanted my it I didn't want to give that to my kids I wanted their future I wanted to have dealt with my stuff so they weren't dealing with my stuff right yeah

SPEAKER_00:

yeah I love that and I think you touched on something too for me because it wasn't until I became a mom that I really started healing because all of a sudden I have these precious little angels and it's like wait what I've been doing hasn't been working and it really just ignited this fire this passion inside me to heal and I and that's what motherhood does and when you're doing it without the support of your mom it really is it's it's difficult but it also is like this driving force for what am I gonna do better how am I gonna break these toxic cycles and be the mom that I deserved for my children and So I kind of want to talk about too, what it was like for you, you know, you got married and then you were pregnant. and then you had your first baby did you feel like you had like a moment where it hit you where you were like I've got to do this like I've got to really do some therapy or some work or was it kind of over time through your mothering that you know you just started healing and started going through I don't know does that make sense

SPEAKER_01:

yeah so it didn't happen when I had the baby it didn't happen when I had my second baby And it didn't even happen when I had my third baby. It started happening as I was really like, I was diving into learning more about God and trying and having a closer relationship, dealing with some of that stuff. And then I started seeing traits of the way I was acting towards my kids. And I was like, I do not want this at all. There was this huge breaking point that happened and it was a book actually. i was listening to this book and the book's not even it wasn't from a christian perspective or anything but the amazing thing is that god can use anything to reach us when that's enough we need to deal with this issue and i felt like that was kind of what he did in this book was called it didn't start with you by i can't remember who it is i love that book it's like one of my it's yeah and he was talking about generational trauma and And so he had all of the scientific theory about even what your grandmother is experiencing while she is pregnant with your mom can affect what you go through and your children. It was talking about all of the genetics of not dealing with your stuff and how you can actually physically pass it on. We all know these families where we're like, well, that just runs in the family. Like that just runs things, right? And so, but what was beautiful to me as a Christian is that I read this book and then I saw in scripture the same thing where God literally was talking about how this like the sins of the father and mother extend to the third and the fourth generation because he's talking about people who didn't deal with their stuff and so they literally passed it to their kids and then there's also other scriptures where it just shows the love of God when he's speaking like hey you need to deal with this right and so the book backed up what I already knew as those truths and then I just remember there was like this breaking moment I was like if I don't deal with this I am passing this to my great-grandchildren and so that was like my breaking point at that moment I was like I need to get help because if I do not get help my great-grandchildren are going to suffer and so I

SPEAKER_00:

know I haven't even thought about that I mean it's like I read that book you know I think I was mostly thinking about my kids but I wasn't even thinking about my

SPEAKER_01:

great-grandchildren I'm so I'm like a futuristic minded person so I'm like what's in it but it's so real

SPEAKER_00:

yes what you are describing is so real and then to connect that to scripture the word of God and to think God knows he knew and so he allowed he gave you this book right and was speaking to you through this book Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

whole process and then I do remember there was something that happened in our church where I felt like I was being forced into doing something that I wasn't comfortable with and I had what was probably it was like my third panic attack and at that point I was like I need help and so I booked a therapist and then therapy absolutely like changed my life not because I just was able to sit across from someone and just hash it all out but because she gave me which is why whenever I talk about going to therapy I'm like you need to find a good therapist that like will listen but also will give you tools the goal is not that you go to a therapist your entire life a goal is that you go to a therapist they give you tools and like a new like a kind of a new way of seeing things so that when life happens you are a to start dealing with it so there's just the understanding of the inner child things that weren't healed things that weren't processed as a child and then knowing that those are spurring those reactions those are what are making me feel this way even though as an adult I rationally look at this and I'm like why do I feel like what is going on because I know that it's not true but my feelings are all over the place Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I've done, I don't know if you've ever heard of neuro linguistic programming. It's a type of, it's kind of like the coach that does it with me. We do trauma work with it. She says they're called unwarranted emotions. They're things that you experience these emotions as a kid or in your teenager or whenever. And then they come out at a different time when they're not really even supposed to, but they just do because whatever is happening triggered it. Right. That, that feeling of like logically, especially maybe with your husband knowing like you're feeling all this even though you know I don't think that he doesn't you know you're having these thoughts like oh he doesn't love me blah blah blah even though you know that that's not true but it's it's all coming from something that you haven't worked through yet

SPEAKER_01:

right which is and then just like even my reactions to my kids like getting uncontrollably angry for something that was very simple like a glass of spilt milk and I and you know like you you just have to have to learn to tie that back and be like oh well messes weren't okay when I was a kid and so of course this is making me angry not that the anger is okay but just to be able to say like okay I am angry this is why I'm angry I don't know for me this is the way I process things is that if I understand where it's coming from why it came up then it almost gives me power to deal with it because I'm like oh I'm really angry this is because of this and okay well I don't need I'm not angry I'm not gonna be angry like that I don't know that's just how my I work with that is like knowledge is power knowing how to deal with it knowing where something is coming from having like a perspective shift where you're like whoa I'm not actually angry that they spilled the glass of milk I'm I'm just being triggered by this and then that gives me the power to say step back take a deep breath this is fine the word thing that happens is nothing really you know

SPEAKER_00:

yeah yeah that's great it's such a good reframe and you're right knowledge is power because we've been given these tools right either from therapy or from books or whatever it is so now we just have to use it and we're gonna make mistakes we're gonna have yeah that's okay the thing that I love is that we apologize right we say we're sorry and then we teach our children hey you're gonna make mistakes too and Or, you know, I'll say, you know, I was really feeling kind of angry and I shouldn't have said that or I shouldn't have raised my voice. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry, you know, which is probably so different from what you experience, you know, but to be able to do that. Yeah. I

SPEAKER_01:

mean, I've been learning how to regulate my emotions while also teaching my children how to regulate their emotions. And that's challenging, right? But I think that the biggest thing is that Even, like, there's some rough things, like some rough days, some rough weeks. But I think just knowing that, like, if you consistently are working towards healing and doing the best you can, you're not going to ruin your kids in a week. Like, you can have a really bad week and that's not going to ruin your kids. I look back when my kids were young and I hadn't dealt with a lot of things. And I can beat myself up. and be completely full of guilt and I can go down a whole rabbit trail that I have like screwed up everything and then I will be in a situation where one of my kids will be like do you remember like that time where you did blah blah blah and it was so much fun and I'm like I don't even remember that and I realized that even in my crap I still was like I know I don't want to be this way and I was trying to work towards being a better mom and kids are so resilient I think we don't give kids enough credit with how resilient they are and how if you're just up front with your kids I think like the biggest thing for me as a mom that I have learned is involving my kids in it all just literally involving them in all at an age appropriate way just be like I am having a rough day I'm on my period like I am being triggered right now and also being okay with being like it's okay to tell your kids hey listen I have to step away I need a little bit of a break I need to breathe I am extremely angry right now and just communicate that because how much better than you just like blowing up and then not saying anything because you feel so you know like you can feel guilty and then be like oh my gosh I've just screwed up everything's a mess and then you just leave it because you don't want to deal with it you know because it is hard it's painful but I think that the best thing I don't know like I always tell people like we'll see my kids are my oldest is 12 like they're really great I love my kids so you know they're so sweet but I'm like let's wait till they're adults and I'll start giving like official parenting advice but but at this point like I see fruit I see things in my kids that like when I was 12 I Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

recognize we're not messing them up even look at you and I we both went through some really awful horrible circumstances and we're doing pretty good you know and I think that we put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we're like I'm not going to repeat this I'm not going to repeat this and then it's like perfectionism you know these other things but just taking a breath sigh of relief every day is a brand new day you know we're going to have some really hard days we're gonna have some rough weeks some rough times but we're doing okay as long as we are on the path to healing and forgiveness and you know these other these other things that have just been so helpful in our lives and our journeys so this has been such a good conversation and I just I wanted to kind of just go back really quick to this this you know reality of you having mother figures moms come in and out of your life and And then now you're a mom and I'm sure you've still had motherly figures in and out. What would you say to someone who grew up like you, who is navigating this loss, whether it's, you know, they lost their mother or they lost their mother because they had to cut off or they had to distance and then they keep, you know, experiencing the same thing with other women. What would you say to them that you feel like they would need to hear? Because at this point they're just feeling so down and so abandoned or so hurt what would you say to that mother

SPEAKER_01:

even the best of mother figures is going to disappoint us and that's just because we're human right and sometimes when we go through like hard trauma things we tend to start focusing in on the negative and so I would I would just say like it's perfectly fine to realize and I and it does take some time to really that you will be okay without having a mom, you might say. And then there's going to be people who come in that are going to feed your soul, help you through a season, and then they might leave, and that's okay. I always just am like, take in the good and spit out the bad. So, like, see what they're... what happened and be like oh you know like I this is good like I see good fruit with this and then be like I don't and so I'm not going to do this and for me I think that what I focus on now is that I want to be the person in another woman's life that can step in and be a healthy mother figure for her so like now I'm at the age where I have my own kids and I've undergone like a lot of healing and a lot of processing through things and so now my goal is that I suspect and I know that God's going to bring young women into my life and so I want to be I want to be the best that I can be for them right and to show some example not perfectly even I'm going to disappoint but to be able to say hey it's okay I know it's rough but we will be okay you know and then I mean hopefully my desire is to help mother other women and mother might not be the right word but to walk other women through the process where they become a strong mom themselves and then they in turn can help another mother you know

SPEAKER_00:

well thank you so much that was that was amazing this has been such a really just incredible conversation and so thankful for you to be here and to come share your story very vulnerable things and you know some really tough things that you've been through you're just an amazing remarkable mom woman human I love it so where can our listeners find you on so social media that we can, you know, that they can hear and they can, if they wanted to even come reach out to you and message you and say, you know, thank you for this. This was so amazing. Where can they find you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so they can find me on Instagram. That's where I hang out, which is a lot more of my like business stuff. I share some behind the scenes of my personal life, but you're always welcome to like message me for anything. And that is WP underscore Samantha Welch. And I'm sure we'll probably have the link down here. And then if you want to just visit my website you can just go to Samantha Welch dot net so but always just reach out to me because like my public persona is not necessarily is more business and like my ministry is more like personal home front type thing so if you go to my page and you're like yeah she's just all obsessed with her business well I am kinda but I have this other side of me that you can tell messaged me and I would love to hear from

SPEAKER_00:

you yeah and you can see beautiful pictures of her garden which is like my favorite thing which I'm totally obsessed with my flowers best garden in the world so good okay well Samantha thank you again for coming on the show this has just been so amazing so thank you

SPEAKER_01:

yeah thank you for having me I've enjoyed this

SPEAKER_00:

music