29. Breaking the Cycle: Thriving as a Mom When You've Survived Emotional Abuse with Reesa Morala, LMFT

You are not doomed to repeat the mistakes of those who raised you! Even if you grew up with emotional abuse, you get to be the change that breaks the cycle! 

Today on the podcast, Alyssa Carlene talks  with Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Reesa Morala, who shares how to break free from toxic patterns, reclaim your power as a mom, and raise your children in the love and safety you always deserved.

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• How can I thrive as a mom who's suffered from emotional abuse? 
• How do I trust myself and the decisions I make? 
• What do I say to my children about the boundaries I've set with my mother/other family members if they are toxic? 
• What are some ways I can cultivate more self-compassion and love? 

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Thank you so much. and physical abuse, so take care of yourself in going forward. I'm so glad you pressed play. This episode is for you. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past, build confidence in their present role, and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the five-step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a My mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy, loving home environment for your family. Please remember my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. Let's get started. Okay, so today I am here with Risa Morala. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mama of two kids, and passionate about Thank you for the honor. I'm so just grateful to be able to have this experience with you. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:45

Thank

SPEAKER_01: 1:51

you. I'm really excited. And it's always good to talk to a therapist because you just you have so much knowledge, so much experience. And you're also a mom which is amazing so let's just dive into your story especially in what it has been like navigating motherhood without your mother because you know there's different everybody has a different story everybody has a different experience some of us we lost our mothers some of us we grew up in you know an unsteady home with traumatic experiences with moms that couldn't be there you know it's it's all different so tell us your experience and then you can kind of of lead into the passion of what you do and your why?

SPEAKER_00: 2:34

Yeah, absolutely. Gosh, where to start, right? That's a big one. So as far as me not having a mother, that was a decision that I made. It was a very hard decision that I came to after, gosh, 30 plus years of trying really to make it work to figure out can I just have some boundaries in place that will help me navigate this so that there's some distance from the toxicity and unfortunately those boundaries continue to be disrespected and not be honored and really it was getting to the point that my children were commenting just about the relationship and really highlighting I think the pros and cons were worked so hard to make sure that they had, you know, a high emotional intelligence. The cut is that they, you know, they were seeing these things and they were the ones calling out like, hey, mom, you say that, you know, we don't deserve to be treated like this. Why do you? And it's like, wow, you're right. You know, call me out, totally call me out. And so having to make that decision was very difficult, you know, and for me, a lot of it from my mom specifically was what's the emotional abuse there's also a component of there was a couple different layers that I think really fed into what kind of came to the relationship decision of needing to to separate and to cut myself off from her and so pieces of it were the emotional abuse for sure there was also my father was physically abusive and she did not intervene it was kind of okayed because we grew up very religious and this idea that the man is the head of the household, what he says goes. And so if I were to intervene, I would be questioning that and that would be a sin. So there was that component. And I think for me, I'd always struggled because part of my protective move became to how can I be perfect so that... this won't happen again whether it was the physical abuse whether it was the emotional abuse that was happening that became my narrative definitely struggled and having to break myself free of that perfectionism because that was what my brain you know at four five six however old you know it was trying to make sense of like what do I need to do in order to keep me safe so I became really good at that and I became really good at even intervening so I have two younger siblings that there's there's a age difference between us and so again I'm seeing this pattern I'm trying to make sense of the fact that my mom I want to please my mom because that helps keep me safe my mom is saying my dad is okay to hit us choke us do whatever he wants in that sense but that doesn't feel right in my body like that feels painful that feels hurtful and trying to navigate what do I do with that how do I make sense how do I please And also, like acknowledge that this isn't great and then to see my father start coming after my younger sibling. I think that was a big point for me that I was like no like this can't happen to them to like I know what that feels like and so having to then also kind of walk this fine balance where I would pick battles with my father, when I saw him going after my siblings, so that he would turn that towards me. So because of that naturally. I became the safe person for my siblings. And because of that, I think a second piece developed with my mom, which is there was a jealousy that they came to me when they were scared. They came to me when they needed support. And I was very much parentified. I have this weird dichotomy. I have two older siblings, but they're much older. So they were out of the house. And then I have two younger siblings that are younger by four or six years so I was there I was the one that was taking them to school I was the one that was cooking meals so for all intents and purposes you know they had made me into this parent but then my mother became jealous of me as a competitive parent and that has really continued through much of our relationship so any kind of so what the emotional abuse kind of turned into was anything that I would accomplish so here's this idea I need to be perfect so I'm trying so hard I was a straight A student AP class I was like you name it I did it I was the first person in our family to go to college not only did I go to college I went and I got my master's degree like all these things trying to be perfect but because all of those accomplishments made me a bigger threat to her insecurities that was like this double-edged sword now like it didn't matter how perfect I was she was actually going to take that those accomplishments and use that for all the reasons why I've failed or whatnot. And so it's that kind of dynamic that I found and really was something that I struggled with because, again, I had this idealized version. I think many, many girls, many children, actually, I can even broaden this out, have this idea of what kind of relationship I think they would like to have with their parents. And I grew up in a day and age where Gilmore Girls was a really big thing. So I'd watch Gilmore Girls. And I would see that mother-daughter relationship and how the mom would have the daughter's back. And I was like, oh my gosh, why can't I have that? What do I need to do? How can I make myself better in order to have that relationship? And so it was really, really hard. One of the skills that I got really good at was essentially having my mom's back in favor of not my own back. I wouldn't have my back like if you told me Lisa you're wrong I would convince myself that I was wrong because that was you know her perception of it and so those were all these ways of just trying to like make it better make make myself this package that she would want to love and to have to finally kind of get to a place where I said that's not going to happen and that really really sucks I don't deserve that and it really stinks that I didn't have a mom to like step up for me at the same time i can't make her do it the only thing that i can control is me and how i'm going to show up for me and so it became that narrative of okay what what do i want to do and some of that really started when i had my first child my first child unfortunately he stopped eating um altogether at three months of age oh my gosh um so he wouldn't take breast bottle formula nothing every parent's

SPEAKER_01: 9:59

nightmare yeah

SPEAKER_00: 10:00

yeah and you know here's this narrative of like this is a basic need feeding your child and I couldn't do it and I couldn't figure it out like it was devastating and I remember very distinctly in fact I remember the place on the freeway the exit that I was coming up when I had called my mom desperately trying to be like I'm I don't what to do here I'm so scared because he's not eating he's his health you know he's three months of age he doesn't have a whole ton of health to like you know go without eating and so he was declining really rapidly it was very scary and I called her and I just said I even prefaced trying to be like I just need a mom right now can you can you please just be a mom like for for two seconds I just need a mom and I explained to her what was happening and her response to me was was, well, Risa, you just don't know how to do it. It's not that hard. You know, I would just throw you guys on the bed and pop my boob in your mouth and you would eat. So clearly it's something you're doing wrong. And I was like, oh my gosh. I was like, here I am, like already like self-critical because I'm like basic need, I can't do it. Like what the hell is wrong with me, right? And she just piled on and I was like, oh man. And so at that point, you know, I was getting a lot of pushback from health professionals professionals because I started seeing signs of it when he was much younger. I got dismissed quite a bit because I was a new mom. This was my first baby. And so I was just being dramatic. I was overreacting. And that's definitely a narrative that my mom would tell me all the time. I don't know how many times I've heard the word dramatic and overreacting. And so I'm hearing this now from medical professionals. I'm like, and again, that, that superpower of like taking their sides. I was like, Oh, I guess, I guess they're right. They say so so I'm believing them and at that moment like having them not the medical professionals weren't listening to me my mom is is checked out not there as far as the terms of support I had nobody because we had moved out to California so I didn't have any family in the area and it was just me and I had to kind of in that moment make a decision of like what what kind of mom do I want to be I don't know what it looks like to be a mom I haven't experienced that but this kid needs me and he's going to die without it. And so I had to kind of make that decision to step up. And in that work, that really fueled what I do today in the sense that I, as I became a mom, especially a mom that really didn't have anyone else there, I didn't have a mom to kind of be a model, to be a support or anything like that, that I started to see how little resources there were for parents out in the world to And I was like, this is awful, like to go through this and to have to feel like I have to go through it alone and no one gets it and no one's reaching out for support to support me, you know, is this idea of, oh, well, there's, you know, you can reach out, you can go to your doctor and it's like, cool. The doctor only goes so far when they're sitting there and they're telling me like you're wrong, right? And so not really getting it. And so being able to have just someone who could really authentically receive me and listen to me for what was happening, not to insert their own judgment. And I started to see once I made that shift, that was earlier on in my career when I became a mother. And originally, I had started out working with adolescents because, again, I had been so protective of my siblings and I was so good at working with children that I was like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to do. This is my population. I'm really good at supporting them. I thought... by doing that work, I was going to be the stability that in their lives that I didn't have. And the difficulty is that once I became a parent and I saw kind of, it's a ripple down system in my experience that if the parents aren't supported, yeah, they have no capacity to be able to show up for their children. And so I decided, what can I do? I want to be more preventative. I want to actually help the whole family system and not just a piece of it. And so I shifted and I got additional training to really be able to work with parents specifically, not just from personal experience and having now been a parent and taking that in, but really stepping into what it would be like to provide them that support and empower them and embolden them to be able to step into what they wanted to do, regardless of if that's how they were raised or maybe their culture says that's it. appropriate if that is their value system and that's what the change that they wanted to do for their family being able to support them and figure out what that looks like for them yeah that's in a nutshell

SPEAKER_01: 15:06

that's amazing that's amazing and i feel like isn't it crazy too that motherhood just reignites you know that fire inside of you and when you became a mom and then you were like i need my mom and then she said that to you when you're driving on the freeway And you just thought, I imagine in your mind, it was just, there was so much going on that it was hard to even process. But it sounds like something just changed in that moment where it was like, I can't be like her. I'm going to be better than her. And how am I going to do that? How am I going to support my kids? And then I love that you thought about other people. And I think that also comes from, you know, the parentification at a young age, feeling like actually basically being four to be the parent and to care for everyone else. But that also just shows your heart and that you want to help other people. And it is just really sad to have to make the decision to cut off a parent. I mean, it's not an easy thing to do. It's a very devastating thing. And what would you say to somebody that is like a mother that's listening, that's on the fence about, you know, I don't know what to do about my mom in my life. I'm I'm feel like I need to cut this off. It's too toxic, but I'm worried about what other people are going to think, or I'm worried about how it's going to be received. You know, what would you say to that mom who's feeling all of those things?

SPEAKER_00: 16:39

First, I would say same. Yeah. Same girl. Been

SPEAKER_01: 16:43

there.

SPEAKER_00: 16:43

Done that.

SPEAKER_01: 16:45

I'm right here with you.

SPEAKER_00: 16:46

Exactly. Because it's, it is so hard. And that idea of like, what are other people going to think? How are they going to respond That's a very real thing. I've gotten tons of pushback. I'm going to be completely honest because there is this idea of like their family, you need to stick with them no matter what. And I think that comes from a place of this idealized place that isn't always the case. And it is so sad when we get to that point where we have to swallow that pill because it's a really hard pill to swallow. And so I think for For me, what I usually tell folks is let's sit down and let's figure out your value list. What's at the core of you? And what are the things that you want to instill in your children as you move forward? And once you make that list, really take a look at it and see, okay, what are some of, why are we getting that feeling? Because I know for me, for example, anytime I would see my mother's, like on my phone, I across the screen. I would have this pit in my stomach. My whole shoulders would tense. My body was trying to tell me something. And so if you have that sensation, get curious. What is it that my body is responding to? And is it because one or more of these values is feeling like it's getting ignored by having this relationship? And then if the answer is, yeah, I think it is. I think it's in conflict with some of these values. Then the next question especially with moms that I asked them is now putting yourself in that same shoes like you're experiencing this with somebody let's let's make it you know a stranger let's make it even okay let's say it's a really close family member but not quite your mom and your child came to you and said mom I'm really struggling this is how this person is treating me and it's really conflicting with some of my values what would your response be to your children and most times my Yeah. That's the answer. You don't deserve it either. Just as my children said to me, if we don't deserve it, you don't either.

SPEAKER_01: 19:04

Wow. Yeah. That's so helpful. And I love the idea of the values and that value system because then it's turning inward, right? I think as moms, especially moms, when we've grown up with abuse in our home, especially at the hand of our parents, of our mother, we learn to neglect our own needs and ourselves. And then we And then we have children and we're like, Oh my gosh, what? I can't be this way. I can't repeat these patterns, but it's very confusing. You lose your footing. Like it's, I remember the moment that it turned for me kind of, you know, similar to you when you were talking to your mom that I was reading this book and it was just saying that you have this deep, it's called mother hunger. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. And so it was just this incredible book that it felt like it was I was like time stopped for a second. And I realized I can't be this. I can't not be like her. I was so afraid I was going to be like my mother because I too experienced emotional abuse and that sort of thing. But I was like, I have to make a change for my children. What is it going to take for me? And then realizing like it starts with me and I have to look inward. And that's really hard because my whole life I felt, you know, the weight or the fate of my family was on my shoulders and that's such a heavy thing and then you have children and it's even heavier so it's learning to release that figure out what do I value who am I you have to rediscover yourself after you have children and when you're navigating motherhood without your mother and then really not letting you know these thoughts that come in like I'm being selfish you know I'm being dramatic take over because those are real and learned and you know it's It's just crazy. And so values work is really a good thing. Do you have any other practical tools or tips that you feel like someone especially who has survived emotional abuse from the hand of their mother, what could they do when, like, let's say, for example, I'm trying to think of, for me, the things that I've struggled with. I've really struggled with doubting myself and doubting my abilities because I just felt like I don't know. I don't know what to do. I wasn't really properly mothered and now I'm making this decision. What would you say or any tips or tricks, things that you do in therapy for the mom that's really doubting her own ability and not feeling confident as a mom in her decisions?

SPEAKER_00: 21:42

Yeah. I think in those moments, what I have found in my own experience and the folks that I work with is that we almost need a recalibration of the way that we see ourselves in that sense a lot of externalization at that point needs to happen because our own deciding when it comes to ourselves is really far off we've been taught that you know to kind of we're skewed that we ought to doubt ourselves really one of the main things is going down a list like okay you're doubting this let's look at the actual facts and when I say facts I'm talking you can bring it in a court of law and a juror of 12 people are going to agree most of them are going to be like oh it's you like you're the problem um And, you know, so let's go down the list and what are the actual facts? Does it align with what our inner critic is trying to tell us? And if it's, if you're struggling, especially at the beginning, it's really hard to sometimes tease out the facts because we want to put opinions and our flavor into it. If you have someone that's trusted in your life, ask them to go through the facts with you. What are the facts and does it support what your doubt is trying to like say to you? Or is it actually the fact support that I've I'm doing what I can do and that I've everything that's in my control I've done and if there's any other areas maybe let's tweak that it doesn't have to go into full shame oh my gosh I can't believe I forgot this one thing let's okay then that gives me one area I need to do and after that one area I can put that aside and say I've done all that I can do and that's the fact that's not just my opinion that's not this inner critic voice it's this is what's out there and what I

SPEAKER_01: 23:25

love that. I feel like we need somebody to kind of tell us straight like, no, this is, I love the idea of taking it to the court and having a jury tell you, no, these are the facts. This is what's really going on. And thinking too about the inner critic, the inner critic and our inner child. I think that is another huge part of all of this part of the healing and breaking that cycle and seeing our children sort of mirror or reflect, you know, those unmet needs that we have and I was just going to ask too when you you know made this decision and you know even your kids were mentioning bringing things up about your mother and saying mom what like what are you doing how has it been for your children you know after making that decision going you know no contact with with her what has it been like for your children and how do you explain to them or were they old enough to understand what do you do to to talk to them about that? Because that's another part of breaking the cycle, right? Is we're trying to teach our children and raise their emotional intelligence. So what are the things that you say or that you've said in the past to really explain why you made that decision? So

SPEAKER_00: 24:39

I definitely, something that was really important to me is I didn't want their lens to be colored by my experience. And I wanted them to feel like they had the autonomy to make a decision for themselves about what kind of relation, did they want to have a relationship with her? And so part of my conversation with them was, you know, meeting them in the sadness, being authentic in that part. I think, you know, you mentioned kind of tips. I think another piece to that is because sometimes we get, we have these emotions and we almost kind of convince ourselves we shouldn't feel that way. And the difficulty with those shoulds is we end up leaving the little us inside who is actually feeling that way by ourselves. which is likely what has happened so many times over and over. And so being able to kind of sit in that and not to fix it, but just to see it, to validate it, give it space and time. And so part of that conversation with my children, they were older. I think I have been very, very blessed in the sense that they've also had a wiseness to them. There's an old soul in that sense. And so I made sure to start the conversation from a place of making sure it was age appropriate, making sure that it was coming purely from my experience. And this is something that I'm needing to do just for my own wellbeing. I want you, this doesn't mean that you have to agree with it. You get to do what, if you would like to continue talking to your Grammy, that's totally fine. I'm not gonna be mad at you. I'm not gonna feel hurt. And if I do, guess what? Those are my feelings to work through. That's not your responsibility. and letting them know you know many of their questions were oh like that that feels really sad and and yes like meeting them it is sad and being authentic and it's okay and again releasing them from the pressure of needing to fix my sadness yeah um and just really it does exist and it's okay to exist because it is a really sad thing and there is some grief to it and I and I wish that I wish I I had a magic wand and I could make it all better. Unfortunately, I don't. All I can do is make sure that the lessons that I'm learning from this relationship, I can do better in our relationship because our relationship is so important to me. And so I want you to know I'm seeing these things and I want to do something different with you. And so I hope that we get to keep a relationship together. I know in order for that to happen, I have to be a part of this relationship and I have to invest in this relationship And so it became also modeling for them the expectations for me later on in their life and knowing that they are well within their rights, that if I begin to act in the same way, that they deserve better from me as well. Those were some of the things that we talked about. And so anytime there would be holidays or any potential interactions, letting them know, do you want to have this relationship. We just recently this summer went to my, my younger sister's baby shower. So naturally my mother was there. And so having that conversation with them, pre prepping them ahead of time, she's going to be there. You get to decide, do you want to interact with her? Do you like, if she were to come up and give you a hug, you get to decide and it's okay to tell her no. And guess what? If she doesn't like it and you feel like she's not listening to your boundary, come get us. We will help you assert that boundary. And if you want to give her a hug, that's okay too. Mom and dad are going to be just fine. You get to make that decision for you.

SPEAKER_01: 28:35

Yeah, that's so beautiful. And just reiterating what we were talking about earlier of making decisions, teaching your children how to make that decision to have that autonomy because it felt like that was just ripped from you as a child, you know, because you had to become the parent. You didn't have a say and you were pleasing everybody else around you. And so that's really beautiful, Risa. Thank you for sharing that. And for all of your wisdom, do you have anything else that you would like to share as far as words of affirmation for the mom that just wants to thrive after surviving abuse and especially emotional abuse? Anything else that you would like to say to end off on?

SPEAKER_00: 29:16

Yeah. So one of the books that I really love and that was super helpful for me is called The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion because I think that was something I really struggled with. with and how to have compassion for myself through all of this and not have that inner critic come out. And so one of the things that was really key in there for me is that mantra of how to get to a place where you are expressing yourself, kindness and peace and all these very beautiful things and knowing and feeling confident that you are worth those things, despite how many times you've been told growing up that you aren't worth those things being able to kind of offer yourself because at this point we're we're reparenting that little child and so just as we're parenting our children in real time we're also reparenting the little person inside of us and we get to show up differently and gosh what it would be like to offer that child you know this like hey you deserve happiness may you have peace today may you have kindness showered upon you one of the tricks that he talked about was if it's really hard to give that to ourselves at first. Let's start externally and start with maybe the people you love and you have that heart for already. And so for me, it was starting with my children. I would say those things to my children in a heartbeat. I was like, yeah, you want me to say those things? Cool, I can do that. And I would do that and I would get used to and comfortable with even just those words. And then I would start with a stranger, like someone who caught me off in traffic, who maybe I don't want to offer kindness or peace. So then that was the next challenge. And pretty soon I was able to walk it in words and be able to shower the little me with those things. And even though it may not feel like it, anybody who's listening, you're totally worth having those things in your life. And it does not mean that you are selfish. It does not mean that you are dramatic. It does not mean that you are doomed to be a bad parent yourself. We get to participate in these decisions and we can participate and choose some Then as you read in the bio, you get to choose to want and to deserve something different than the generations before us.

SPEAKER_01: 31:35

Yeah, that is so beautiful. Well, thank you, Risa, so much for joining me on the podcast today. Where can our listeners find you and contact you if they want to do therapy or social media? Where can they find you?

SPEAKER_00: 31:48

Yes. So my website is embracerenewaltherapy.com. And I embrace renewal therapy on all social media platforms. So try to keep it consistent. And I offer intensives. So those are weekend intensives. So you can come fly out to Southern California where I'm right in Southern California wine country. So I have folks that will come out and do like a little weekend and get to do some really deep, beautiful work. I also offer virtual workshops that are accessible. As long as you have internet connection, you can join me anywhere across the world for these workshops. I have couples workshops as well as parenting workshops

SPEAKER_01: 32:27

oh that sounds amazing to fly out and just have like a reset you know mommy vacation that's just that's beautiful well thank you again for being on the show I'm so grateful for you to be here so thank you thank you for having me hey mama thank you so much for listening to the episode today you are not alone in this breaking cycles take support come hang out with me and other moms who get it in my Facebook group navigating motherhood without your mother it's an amazing community a heartfelt community and one where we share healing love and support all around the link is in the show notes and we would love to have you there