26. How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members Without Guilt

Does setting boundaries with family (espeically toxic family members) feel excruciating—like guilt, obligation, or fear of conflict always get in the way? 

In today's episode of Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother, Alyssa Carlene talks about how to set clear, healthy boundaries with toxic relatives without drowning in guilt. You’ll learn why boundaries are necessary for healing, how to hold them with confidence, and what to do when pushback comes. 

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• How do I know if a family member is toxic or just difficult?
• What kind of boundaries are realistic when it's family?
• How can I set boundaries without feeling selfish or mean?
• What do I say when someone pushes back or tries to guilt me?
• How do I deal with the grief of setting boundaries with people I wish I could be close to, especially as a mom without my mom? 

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

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No is a complete sentence. Have you ever heard this phrase before? I think it was a few years ago that I actually heard this and it struck me because I don't like saying no. A lot of us don't like saying no. And the reality is that the word no, the answer no, can be a complete sentence. Now there's a layers to peel with this, right? Because sometimes when we say no, we might feel guilty. We might feel shame. We might feel a lot of different things. So today on the episode, we are talking about how to set boundaries with toxic family members without the guilt, how to let go of that guilt so that you can break free and actually learn to be confident in saying no and to honor other people's no's as well. You're listening to navigating motherhood without your mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past, build confidence in their present role, and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the five-step Roots framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a motherhood empowerment and generational healing coach. My mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy, loving home environment for your family. and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. Let's get started. If you're a mom who is navigating motherhood without the support of her mother and you want community today, I would love for you to please consider joining my private free Facebook group, Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother, where we dive deeper into healing as motherless mothers. Inside, you will find weekly reflection prompts and journaling questions, supportive, honest conversations around breaking generational cycles and grief, practical practical tools for emotional regulation and boundary setting, gentle accountability as you walk through this life of navigating motherhood without your mother, and of course, a safe space to share your story without judgment. It's a sisterhood of moms alike, ready to heal, grow, and thrive. So today, if this speaks to you, if this resonates, consider joining Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother, the Facebook group. The link is in the show notes. Welcome back to the podcast, everybody. I am super excited for this episode specifically. I know I probably say that about every episode that I put out, but this episode is big because we all have family members in our lives, whether that's in our nuclear family, in our extended family, that we, it's toxic. It's not healthy. I think every single human being on this earth has experienced this. And setting boundaries is a principle that we need to have for life. It's something that some of us maybe were not modeled as children. And I definitely was not modeled this. So as I've become an adult and a mother, I've had to learn from many other people, learn from myself, my own mistakes, learn from others how to do this. And I feel like I've really got it down in that I'm Getting better. I'm not perfect, but I'm getting better. And to me, that's a win. So let's talk about this, okay? Why do we have to set boundaries in the first place? Why are boundaries important? Well, boundaries are so important because we are talking about protecting your peace. And not only your peace, but the peace of your children. I want you to reflect on what it would feel like to set a boundary and not feel guilty. Think about the last time that you had to say no to somebody, if it was either a direct no or a, you know, oh, I'm sorry, I can't make it to this, or I'm sorry, we're not going to do that, and how you felt, okay? Think about that. And I want to share with you a story really quickly. This isn't about a family member, but it does pertain to the conversation. So I had someone recently reach out to me on Instagram asking if I would be interested in a high ticket job working for a company. I could make all this money, you know, la-di-da. And it looked really great. I thought, you know, it was nice of this person to reach out, but I was just not interested at all. And I remember watching a video Probably on social media, a reel where I heard a man say that if you start off with answering that, oh, you know, thank you, this sounds great, and then say no, that that's actually misleading, that you should start with the no first. And then proceed to say, but, you know, thank you. I'm really appreciative of, you know, your offer or whatever it is. And so I put this to the test. Okay. And let me tell you, I felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable doing it because I wanted to be kind. I wanted to, you know, respond to this person and make sure that I was, you know, being a good human. And so I said, no, I'm not interested, but I'm really appreciative of you reaching out. And it was very simple. It was blunt. It was straightforward. And And I actually did not feel any guilt. I felt really confident in saying no. And the reason why I share this story with you is because the more we practice, the more confident we will feel, okay? And this whole idea of setting boundaries is so important for us moms who have strained relationships with our mothers if we are in... estrangement or if we are distanced from them in any way if there is some emotional pain there this is very very important and not just for those relationships but for every relationship and I want you to know that guilt is so common for moms because we all have mom guilt we all have the guilt that we feel from society from ourselves from other people so that guilt is already there and we've just got to find ways to weed it out and that it's okay to put yourselves first okay and setting boundaries really I feel like is such a final definitive step in healing and if you remember my roots framework this is the final step this is the S of my roots framework set new boundaries I have episodes on each of them you know I have the R recognize harmful patterns O own your story O open your heart to forgiveness T transform limiting beliefs, which that was my previous episode about hidden beliefs, and then S, set new boundaries. Boundaries help us clarify who deserves space in our lives and at what level. And we are talking about empowerment over shame and guilt. The importance of modeling healthy boundaries for our children is seriously a form of legacy and protection. I want to share another boundary that I've set, and this is a boundary that I actually have felt guilty about, that I've had to work through the guilt, okay? I'm not saying that we're never going to have the guilt. What I'm saying is that we are learning to work through it, and soon we can set more boundaries without. But when I first started this podcast, I decided that I was not going to share it with... some of my extended family because I did not want them to misunderstand me Really, I just felt like this was not any of their business. I'm not at a relationship or in a relationship with them where I feel like it's important for them to know about this. And it's felt kind of secretive. It's felt heavy. My own mother doesn't even know about this specifically. I did tell my mom about, you know, last year because I had a previous podcast where I talked about her that I said, hey, you know, mom, I have a podcast. I want you to know that. that it's there and that, you know, I do share things about my childhood, about our relationship and I want you to know that I have it. And so I haven't told her that I rebranded the show and that I've, you know, changed it to this specific show because she just would not understand and I haven't told a lot of her family members either. And the reason I felt guilty is because, you know, I was worried, well, what happens if they find out? I'm going to feel terrible, you know, la-di-da-di-da. And here's the thing that I recognized. I recognized that this is a way of protecting myself, of setting almost an invisible boundary because the other party, the other people, they have no idea about it. But I'm setting this boundary because this is important to me and this is important that I share my story and that I share the these tools with you. So I want to talk about practical tips for setting boundaries with toxic family members. And first, I kind of want to dive into what makes a family member toxic. Okay, just really quickly, something that's going to make a family member toxic is anybody that's going to impede on your own healing. Whether that's, you know, somebody that's going to try and control everything that you do or force everything Force themselves into your lives. Maybe it's somebody that doesn't respect boundaries you've set in the past. This could be a person that is not willing to work on themselves. Really, the list can go on and on, but I wanted to share those few things to just have you thinking in the back of your mind. of people that this might be, and maybe it's a reality check or a light bulb going off in your head, wow, okay, I need to set some boundaries. So I wanna offer you some actionable strategies, okay? We can identify our limits very clearly, and we can say who we want to be in our lives, how much we want the people to be a part of our lives, and when, where, what, how, go through all of those different things question words and really identify how much time am I willing to share and give for this other person. And then when you figure that out, you communicate the boundary calmly and firmly. And I know I mentioned earlier about invisible boundaries, which I think are Very real. They're real. And so maybe you're not actually communicating to that specific person or people, but you are communicating with yourself. Maybe you write it down in your journal or you make a pact with yourself that I am setting this very clear boundary that when I go over to my parents' house, I'm there for one hour. That's it. They don't know that, but I'm looking at the clock and when one hour hits, I'm leaving and I'm going to respect that boundary. And then we need to prepare for pushback or guilt trips and how to respond. This is hard and this is what pulls us back down. This is what I think many people probably listening to the episode want to hear about because it's like, what do we do now? What do we do when we feel guilty and we feel sad and really bad that we've set some boundaries and that we are you know protecting ourselves but the other people don't view it that way and they're angry about it well that's on them you can't control how other people feel or react and it's something that we've all had to learn we all continue to learn so really with the pushback always make it about yourself use the i statements about your feelings i feel this way because this i Instead of, well, you are this way and I'm setting the boundary, you know, kind of shoving it back into them. Bring it back to yourself and remember that it's okay to set a boundary because you're protecting yourself and you are protecting your peace. And then we need to know when to walk away or disengage when it becomes too much. I have another story about a boundary. When I first got married to my husband, I think it was maybe... months into our marriage or maybe a year later, my relationship with my mom at the time was interesting and it was not healthy. She would send me and really bombard me with text messages nonstop. And I always felt like I had to respond to them. And I remember my husband one night said, you know, you don't have to respond to her, right? And I remember turning to him almost shockingly and said, I don't? And he said, no, you don't. And that was probably the first time in my life, and I was newlywed, 22 years old, that someone told me it was okay to set a boundary. And I just will never forget that because I I needed somebody else to tell me that. And then just remember, you need to give yourself compassion and love throughout this process. There might be times where, you know, you make a mistake or you break your own boundary. Just remember to come back. Come back to your why. Come back to the breaking the cycles, the protecting your children, you know, protecting yourself. Any way that you can think, I'm doing this for me and it's okay and it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. Now here's what to do when you feel guilty or you're doubting your ability to set the boundary and you're so worried about the other people, their reaction. I want you to remember that this guilt is normal and it's natural but it does not have to control you. I suggest journaling or talking this out, going to therapy, doing whatever you can to really combat the guilt and figure out what is it exactly that's making me feel guilty. If somebody said something to push back and it started to trigger all this guilt, think about it. Maybe it's going to trigger something deeper inside of you like a time Think of this as another way of self-reflection, of healing, and just ultimately growing, expanding as a human being. And then remember that you have to be consistent. You have to be consistent and consistent boundary setting is a form of self-love. Hold yourself accountable. Don't break your own boundary. If you're telling somebody no and then they push back and then you let them, you're part of the problem. That's the thing that's hard to say, but it's true. So remember that there's two ways. There's two roads here. This is a two-way street when it comes to setting boundaries. Now I want to encourage you and remind you that setting these boundaries really is a courageous act of healing and self-care, self-love. This is a big step and it's the final step, I believe, to really healing and moving on in your life, becoming the person that you want to be, the mother that you want to be. I would love for you to reflect on one boundary that you want to set this week and And think of a specific person or people and really think, who can I set a boundary with to protect myself and protect my children? And how can I do this without feeling so much guilt or so ashamed in myself? We have resources here. I always promote my Facebook group because I want you in it. If you want to set some boundaries and you're experiencing pushback and you don't know who to talk to, join the Facebook group and talk to us. We're all in this together. We're all doing this and we all need other moms in very similar situations to talk with and share the Our highs, our lows, our wins, our fails, whatever it is, you have a community waiting for you in my Facebook group. So just for a quick recap as we are nearing the end of the episode today, remember to identify your limits clearly, communicate boundaries calmly but firmly, prepare yourself for some pushback and maybe some guilt trips, unfortunately, Always use the I statements. Make this about you and then know when to walk away or disengage. Setting a boundary over and over and over is going to bring you so much confidence, peace, and empowerment in your life. This is becoming resilient. This is navigating motherhood without your mother. And I just, I care about you. I'm so proud of you. I know that you can do this. I'm rooting for you. Everybody has toxic family members and we all have to find a way to make a place for them in our lives, even if that means they have no place, right? Because they're toxic. And there are some that we can say, hey, you have a little bit of space I'm willing to offer and others that it's slim to nothing. And that is okay because this is your life, your healing, your motherhood journey. You're doing amazing, Mama. I'm so grateful for you to listen today. Stay tuned for the next episode and join my Facebook group. We want you in there.