15. How to Open Your Heart to Forgiveness

Have you ever carried a hurt so deep that it changed the way you saw yourself or the world? Perhaps you've held on—not because you wanted to, but because you didn't know how to let go. 

In today's episode, Alyssa Carlene explores the power of forgiveness. She meets you exactly where you are through spiritual wisdom, honest reflection, and simple steps to start healing today.

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

•  What does forgiveness mean—and does it mean I have to forget what happened?
• How do I know if I’m truly ready to forgive someone who hurt me?
• Can I forgive without letting that person back into my life?
• What are some simple, personal ways I can start the forgiveness process?
• Why does forgiveness feel so hard, and what if I’m not sure I want to do it?

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Transcript

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Have you ever carried a hurt so deep that it changed the way you saw yourself or the world? Maybe it was betrayal, a silence that lasted way too long or a moment that you needed love and you got absence instead. If you're anything like me, you've probably held on, not because you wanted to, but because you didn't know how to let go. In today's episode, we are talking about forgiveness, not the kind that's going to dismiss pain or force you to just get over it, but the kind that gently opens your heart, invites in healing, and says, I'm ready to be free. If you've been wondering where to begin, how to forgive without forgetting or how to know if you're even ready, you're in the right place. Together, we'll explore forgiveness through spiritual wisdom, honest reflection and six simple steps that meet you exactly where you are. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Let's dive right in to these six steps. for how to open your heart to forgiveness. I have been really excited about this episode. I've been holding off and waiting for the best time to record it because I've just felt like it's so important and I wanted to get it right and I wanted it to be thorough but not exhausting. I wanted it to be simple, but also more, more for you and more for you to understand that forgiveness is so freeing. And I think that there are a lot of misconceptions about what forgiveness is and what it means. And so the first step in how to really open your heart to this is to define, right? What is forgiveness? Right? Forgiveness, let's be clear, is a personal decision to release resentment and reclaim peace. I love this because it just feels empowering and it's about you. Forgiveness is not excusing harm, forgetting what happened. I mean, we all have heard forgive and forget. And I feel like that's such a harmful thing to say because you don't forget. You can move on, but you don't want to just forget what happened and pretend like we're not hurting, right? That's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness, it doesn't mean reconciliation. It doesn't mean that you have to allow harmful people back into your life. It means that you stop allowing them to live rent-free in your heart and in your head. And you know that saying like, oh, somebody's just living rent-free. I mean, think about it. When you hold on to resentment and anger, that person that you're so mad at is living rent-free now. in your life, in your mind, in your heart. So that's really what it boils down to, what forgiveness is and what it isn't. And I think one of the best ways to learn more about forgiveness is to think about our spiritual teachers and guides in history. So let's begin by drawing wisdom from those who have walked this path before us, right? Like Jesus Christ, who taught that forgiveness is not just a one-time act, but a way of life. In the Bible, in Matthew 18, 21 through 22, it says, Then came Peter to him and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee until seven times, but until seventy times seven. How impactful is that? Another quote I love from Martin Luther King Jr. He said, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. Wow. Another one. Mother Teresa. She said, if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. And hers is just a reminder that forgiveness is... central to compassionate living and i'm seeing this common theme in all of these quotes from these spiritual teachers that have walked this path before us and that is that forgiveness opens our heart to love another one from the buddha he said holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, you are the one that gets burned. This is a metaphor emphasizing the harm of resentment. I mean, think about it. Who's really hurting more? And finally, we have a quote from Rumi, the mystic poet of love and enlightenment. And Rumi said, Forgive the past. It is gone. Do not grieve. It is over. Let it go and live. And of course, his touches on this poetic wisdom of releasing the weight of past grief. pain. So all are speaking about forgiveness as a gateway to peace. These teachings remind us that it really forgiveness is less about the other person and more about liberating ourselves. So now that we know what forgiveness is, we've learned about it. It's time to ask yourself, are you ready and willing? You can pause or You can breathe. You can say, am I ready to let this go? Am I willing to begin even if I'm not sure how? Because forgiveness, it can't be forced and it has to come from an honest place. And so if your answer is not yet, that's okay. I just feel like I want this episode to plant a seed for you because I want you to know the benefits of forgiveness. But I also know that there are some things that are deeply painful and hurt. And part of the process of healing is experiencing uncomfortable emotions. And so maybe you need to sit with some more uncomfortable emotions, even feelings of anger and resentment, but choosing to sit with those forever is not going to be any good. So it's a matter of time and it's a matter of recognizing that you want to process what you need to, but also recognizing the beauty in letting go. So the next step, number four, is creating a personalized ritual. Truly, forgiveness is sacred. I mean, we talk about it and we learn about it in the Holy Scriptures, in the Bible, according to you know, these spiritual teachers and Jesus Christ. And, you know, we want to market with intention. I have ideas, right? There's things that you can do. You can make it as simple as possible, or you can make it as maybe complex, like writing a letter. Or you could do a ritual with a guided mentor or healer. And this is the time in the episode where I would like to take a minute and share with you how and when I forgave my mother. Because my podcast, as you know, is specific to the mothers who are navigating motherhood without the support of their mother. And I was the type of person that carried the wound for so long. I had thought... that I really forgave my mom, but ultimately I don't think I did. I didn't have an active or intentional time in my life where I said, I forgive you. I think it was just blowing things off, sweeping them under the rug. It wasn't until I became a mom and the wound grew deeper and bigger that that I was really struggling and I went to a mental health recovery center and retreat and it was one of the most beautiful healing times of my life and I was sitting in the room with a mentor who did all sorts of things and she was just such an amazing life coach and healer and And she said, you know, what do you want to work on today? And in that moment, I said, I just feel like I want to work on some of these limited beliefs that I had. And so as we were peeling back the layers of some of these things that were keeping me stuck, we finally got to this point of really recognizing that for me personally, I felt like I wouldn't be able to progress in a spiritual, even emotional manner if I didn't forgive my mom. And it was crazy because we really, like she kept asking me these questions that were uncovering something deeper, you know, just like peeling all these different layers. And so when we got to that, she said, wow, okay, so you want to forgive your mom? And I said, yeah. And it kind of surprised me because it wasn't really what I had intended in there. I know that I had thought about it, but so she said, okay, that's great. I want to help you. And so in the process of doing this, she helped guide me into a meditation. And she asked me who I would like to bring into this meditation. And I said, I would love to bring my God, my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ. And she said, simply let the Father hand over what belongs back to your mother. And so I kind of imagined like it was this golden blanket, if I can remember correctly. And I watched in my mind as he handed it back to her and it was like I could feel it lifting away from me. It was just such a beautiful moment. It was uniquely mine and I felt lighter. And then We looked toward the future because this is something that you do in neuro-linguistic programming where we look to the past and we look to the future. And in my mind, I imagined dominoes just tumbling one by one. And I had mentioned to this mentor how just the day before, I had messaged my mother's mom, my grandmother, that I love her. after not speaking to her for a long time and having quite a bit of a falling out. And she looked at me, my mentor, and said, see, things are already shifting. And I just know that it was what I needed. And this is what I wrote in my journal from this day. I said, in this state of forgiveness, I'm no longer sad or angry about what she did. I have a strict boundary between about how to keep the toxicity out. And at this point, I am accepting that she won't change. But I can tell you this, I feel more free today than when I did yesterday. So it was such a beautiful thing and I was able to make it into this beautiful ritual that helped me, which leads me into step number five. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You don't have to do this alone. It's incredible. You can go to a therapist, a trusted friend, a coach, or even just your journal. Reach out for support. We were never meant to carry this heavy weight in isolation. And finally, number six, remember that forgiveness is ongoing. This isn't a one-time act. It's a practice. It's like what Jesus said, 70 times 7. you may have to forgive the same thing again and again, and that's okay. There are boundaries that you can set, but I will tell you that from the time I forgave my mom, really intentionally forgave my mom in 2022 until today, I've had to do it over and over and over again. And I wouldn't say that it's been a hard thing, but I've noticed that when something happens, I have to make that conscious decision to continue to forgive. Remember, forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about freedom, your healing, your peace. It's an act of courage. And it just starts with the single step of willingness to try. And I know I said that we had six steps, but as I'm recording, I'm thinking, wait, there's one more. Number seven is Don't forget to forgive yourself. How often are we holding ourselves to unrealistic standards and hold expectations and not giving ourselves grace? We have to forgive ourselves. The person you forgive is human. You are human. You're going to make mistakes. You are going to fail. forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It is the door to freedom. It is the door to peace. It is the door to love. Opening your heart to forgiveness is opening your heart to healing. If this episode has spoken to your heart, I would love for you to connect with me on Instagram. I want to know what brought you here and and how forgiveness is showing up in your life. What does forgiveness mean to you? You don't have to do this alone. We are healing together one step at a time. Forgiveness is a journey. It's not a destination. And it's okay if it takes time. It's okay if you are still figuring it out. Just know that you are truly worthy of the freedom that forgiveness brings.