13. When Mother's Day Hurts: Honoring Your Feelings with Grace

Mother's Day can be a challenging holiday for a mom who is grieving her mother because of loss, distance, or estrangement. Does this resonate with you? 

Today's episode is for anyone who may find this day more painful than peaceful. Alyssa Carlene, your host, shares the importance of gracefully honoring your complex feelings and thoughtful ways to guard your heart this Mother's Day. 

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• How do I make space for my grief without feeling guilty? 
• How can I protect my peace when social media and family gatherings feel like too much? 
•  Is there a way to honor my mother—or my pain—without being consumed by it? 
•  What are some gentle ways I can take care of myself when this day just hurts? 

Want to chat more about how to navigate motherhood without your mother and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

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It's that time of year again. Mother's Day is right around the corner. If Mother's Day feels heavy for you this year or any year, I want you to know that you're not alone. Maybe you're grieving a mother that you lost, missing a mother you never had, or navigating motherhood without the guidance that you so deeply long for. Whatever you're carrying, this episode is for you. tender honest and full of grace because at the end of the day that's what we mamas need to give ourselves most grace let's talk about how to care for your heart when mother's day hurts you're listening to navigating motherhood without your mother Here, we help moms with young children who lack support from their mothers to make peace with the past, build confidence in their present role, and break harmful generational patterns for the future through the five-step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a motherhood empowerment and generational healing coach. my mission is to help you discover the root causes of your struggles so you can foster emotional resilience and create a healthy loving home environment for your family please remember that my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals let's get started Today's episode is for anyone who finds Mother's Day more painful at times than peaceful. If this day brings up grief, anger, numbness, or complicated memories, that is simply okay. This episode is your permission slip to honor your feelings, whatever they may be, with gentleness. Together we'll explore ways to care for your heart set boundaries with Mother's Day and find moments of meaning even in the ache. So going off script a little bit here, Mother's Day for me is a tender holiday because it brings up a lot of negative emotions and feelings and memories about my mother. If you don't know much about my story or Why I'm doing this podcast, it's because when I was a child, I was not properly mothered. My mother struggled so very much with mental health problems and addiction. And because of that, our family also struggled. And growing up, I've always felt the ache and pain of being motherless. And then when I became a mother, that pain pain, that wound grew so much bigger. And I don't think that I really struggled with Mother's Day as a kid. It wasn't until I became a mom that Mother's Day started to really hurt. So I know what that feels like. And I know that everybody's situation is different. Everybody's scenario is different. But I know what it feels like to to have that pain and that ache for wanting a mother who could be there who could show up who could be loving and guiding and supportive as I am mothering so as we are talking about this just remember that these emotions that you have these feelings are okay it's okay to feel angry when Mother's Day rolls around and you start to remember oh my gosh These are some awful things that happened or that my mom did or said. It's okay. It's what we do with our feelings and how we choose to go on throughout the day with these big emotions. I think something amazing that moms can do is to create a personalized ritual. Design a ritual that honors your unique experience. If you are a mother, It is your day to honor yourself. That is something that I have found so healing in Mother's Day, celebrating Mother's Day since I became a mother. And we'll talk about this later on in the episode. But really, the personalized ritual can be anything. You can light a candle for your mother if your mother passed away. You could go to her gravesite. You could write a letter to her. You could write a letter to the mother that you never had with feelings of hurt and anger and telling her how you feel and then ripping it up and burning it. Everybody's situation is different, but creating some sort of ritual, go on a walk, connect with Mother Nature, looking through photos that hold meaning or avoiding them if that's what you need, it's important. your day, you get to choose what's going to be best to honor whatever feelings you have, whatever desires you need. So along those lines then, you need to set boundaries. And with boundaries, sometimes we feel guilty. And the reality is that that guilt is not helpful. If you need to say no to a gathering because it's going to bring up and you're going to feel deeply uncomfortable and grieve and feel sad, then say no and be confident with your decision. Or maybe social media on Mother's Day is too much. I think setting boundaries with social media is so important. I'm going to have an entire episode about it because I feel so strongly about social media, but put the phone away. Go on the next day. If you're grieving your mother in any way, alive or a mother that has passed on, social media may not be the best place for you. It may make you feel a lot worse. You can practice a gentle script with setting boundaries. You could say, I'm doing something different this year for my own well-being. Make it about you. Boundaries are always about you. And if someone's going to try and make it about them, then bring it back to you. Just say, look, I'm struggling right now with this day, and for me to feel at peace and comfortable, I need to say no to this gathering. I need to say no to this interaction. I know that I would be sitting at church, and the church I attend, we have speakers from the congregation come up and bear testimony, bear words, They speak about really anything. And on Mother's Day, a lot of the time, they're speaking about their own mother. And I remember a couple years ago, actually probably the past two years, I have really struggled. And I'm sitting in the congregation and somebody is going on and on about how amazing their mother was and how... Lovely it is to have this mother who protected them, who nurtured them, who cared for them. A mother that was so very much there and present. And, you know, I would feel, okay, I'm feeling some jealousy. Okay, I'm feeling that little bit of anger bubbling up inside. I'm feeling sad. Like, wow, you had a mom like that? I wish I could have had a mom like that. As I've thought about this, I really started to understand and be able to set a clear line between my experience with my mom and the person, the speaker, their experience with their mother. And then I started to think, you know what? That's amazing for them that they had that. And I'm going to try and honor that and listen and And if it gets to the point where it's too much, I can step up and I can leave. I can leave the chapel. Or I can sit there and I can honor that they had this beautiful experience. And I can think, hey, I'm going to listen to this with a fresh set of ears. Like I'm listening to it as if I'm trying to learn how to be an amazing mother. So that in and of itself is a mindset shift. And that takes some time. It takes time to get to a place where you can honor somebody else and someone else's experience with their mom. But it doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that it's wrong of you to feel jealous or to feel angry, sad. It's just that you shift. You make a shift. You change that perception. And then you can really enjoy and think, I'm so happy that this person had that I really am and that is such a beautiful thing next really grounding yourself in the present okay Mother's Day is just a day and you get to decide like I said it's your day so you can ground yourself in whatever it is but remain present or Think, I'm a mom. I can be with my children today. Or maybe it's, I get to go to the spa today. Whatever it is, ground yourself in that moment. Pull yourself back when you're being pulled into the past or something is bringing you to feelings outside of what's happening right now and really just bring yourself back. And then lastly, most importantly, I think of it all today. is celebrate yourself as a mom, okay? You are an amazing mother. You need to acknowledge the love you give, especially if you're breaking cycles. But even just in general, acknowledge the love you give with whatever scenario you are in with navigating motherhood without your mother. Embrace compliments. Embrace treating yourself. Take a walk. Take a bath. Go to brunch. Have a solo brunch. Take a nap. Remember that you're a mom too. You get to be celebrated. And I hope you are. I hope you celebrate yourself. And I hope that your family celebrates you and your children celebrate you. Reach out to others or anybody that understands or reach in. reach in, tune into yourself, tune into your body, those feelings. I have thought, you know, journaling has just been such a beautiful way to encapsulate all of the feelings and thoughts and emotions in the moment. Maybe take some time to journal. There's so many things that you can do. But this Mother's Day, you're not alone. And I wish I could have heard more something like this a few years ago that's why I do this because just as much as I love to share and teach and help other moms I'm also helping myself along the way and I hope that that doesn't sound selfish but I'm right here with you I'm right here with you in the grief I'm in the complicated complex feelings it's there and it's not something that you should feel like you have to do by yourself and it's not taboo to talk about we need to talk about it because when we don't talk about it when we keep things in when we suppress it's not good I think it would be beautiful today to end the episode with a guided reflection so if you're listening to this driving or you know on the go you know you don't need to close your eyes but if you do have a moment to just sit down and stop and close your eyes please please do so close your eyes take a deep breath and place your hand on your heart and Feel the rhythm of your body, steady, alive, present. Gently ask yourself, what am I feeling right now without judgment? What do I need today or on Mother's Day to feel safe and seen? How can I honor myself, not just as a daughter, but as a mother or as the woman who I'm becoming. If tears come, let them. If numbness lingers, honor that too. There is no right way to feel here, only your way. And that is enough. I'm giving you permission. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to celebrate. You are allowed to do both or neither with grace. If this episode met you in a tender place, come find me on Instagram at alissa.carleen.rogers. I'd love to hear what you're carrying this Mother's Day and how you're honoring your feelings or simply that you were just here and listened to the episode. I want to hear from you. You're not walking alone, not today, not ever. You're an amazing mother and happy Mother's Day to you. Celebrate you. Love yourself. Remember, you are incredible. Thanks for listening. Tune in next time.