4. Why Recognizing Harmful Patterns is the First Step in Your Transformative Journey

How many of us mothers walk through life repeating patterns that were modeled for us as children without even realizing it? 

In today’s conversation, Alyssa Carlene guides you through how and why recognizing harmful patterns is the first step toward healing. She dives into practical, empowering tips and leaves you with a gentle and hopeful invitation for change. After all, awareness of these patterns is an act of self-love and is key for your transformative journey. 

Listen to the episode to answer the following questions: 

• What are examples of harmful patterns that I may be repeating in my mothering? 
• Where did I first learn these harmful patterns? 
• How do I change the harmful patterns or behaviors for myself and my children? 
• Why does noticing harmful patterns feel so terrible? 
• How do I transform any guilt and shame into self-love and liberation? 

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Transcript

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How many of us mothers walk through life repeating what was modeled for us as children without even realizing it? I think we've all had moments where we are triggered and snap at our children, our spouse, or another loved one. I know I've had moments in my mothering where I realized I was actually carrying more of the It's a feeling that is eerily familiar and haunting when you finally recognize you've been repeating something harmful. The good news is that even though it feels terrible, on the flip side, it's absolutely liberating because you get to transform. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack maternal support to heal childhood wounds and break harmful generational patterns through the five-step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a generational healing and motherhood empowerment coach. My mission is to help you heal the root cause of your struggles so you can learn to regulate your emotions and create a healthy, loving environment for your family. Please remember that my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from licensed professionals. I'm so happy you're here, Mama. Let's get started. In the episode today, I am guiding you through why and how recognizing harmful patterns, which you may recall is the first step in my roots framework, is also the first step in your transformative journey. I'm providing practical advice, personal experience, and necessary questions to ask yourself as you begin to see things differently and apply change. So why? Why is recognizing harmful patterns necessary to heal? Well, ask yourself this. Am I modeling healthy behaviors for my children, or could I be repeating unhealthy ones? I know this is tough to sit with because when you become aware, it feels like a loss before liberation. When you first start seeing the patterns, it can stir up grief, anger, or even shame because suddenly you're aware of something you've been doing for years without realizing it. But reframing that moment as the beginning of your transformation instead of a reason to spiral is everything. Let's use the metaphor of someone turning on a light in a dark room. I'm sure you've had a child do this to you. It is uncomfortable at first. It's bright and annoying, but you can finally see what you're working with. So let's talk about the how. This is the practical and empowering part. First, I want you to pay attention to your big emotional triggers. Notice, where are you feeling stuck or reactive in motherhood? And then ask yourself, where have I felt this before? All right, here is a vulnerable and personal example. I currently have an 11-month-old who is still waking up often throughout the night. I also have a four-year-old and though she sleeps through the night, she does occasionally wake up as well. Just like any other mom and parent, night wakings are extremely difficult for me. All the things that go along with it, choppy sleep, having a hard time falling back to sleep, insomnia, stress about how little sleep I've gotten, anxiety during a vulnerable state of mind, and then of course the overall toll of sleep deprivation. I've recognized that at night, I feel like I am the most vulnerable and prone to outbursts It's hard because I do feel anger and annoyance and my feelings are valid, right? My body needs sleep, but reacting in these ways isn't helpful. And like I said, this is a vulnerable, kind of embarrassing, I don't know, it's probably not embarrassing. I think more people experience this than I realize because we're mothers, we have young children, babies don't sleep. But it's vulnerable for me to share because I literally just had a conversation about it with my husband this morning who told me that it's just, we've got to make some changes and help me recognize that it's not helpful for me to react in this way. And I was grateful for him to help me acknowledge that. And he did it in a very loving and kind way because he doesn't react in this way throughout the night like I do. Having his guidance and voice of support was a wake-up call for me and interesting enough as I've been writing my episode that it all clicked and connected today. My plan is to make some changes and find better ways to deal with the frustration at night instead of being so inappropriately reactive because the difference between reacting in an inappropriate way and dealing with something in a better way makes a big change and transformation in the way that you model behavior for your children. Here's another key point that I want to make. Recognizing harmful patterns is an act of love and not self-blame or solely blaming your mom or parent. Here's the thing. We can't change what we don't see. So even just noticing patterns at all is is proof that we can break cycles. You're going to have emotions stir up inside of you about who modeled certain behaviors. You may even want to point the finger. And then in turn, you start to blame yourself because of the guilt that you feel for repeating something so terrible. None of that is helpful because you were unconscious about it. You weren't aware. But now you're You have the power to transform. You are awake. The light is on and you see it all. So what if the moment we see our patterns clearly for the first time isn't something to fear, but a chance to hold our younger selves close and say, hey, I see you now and I'm going to do it differently. So here is my gentle and hopeful invitation for you. You are not supposed to just wake up and break every pattern overnight. The first step is simply seeing. And once you've seen, you just can't unsee it. You're aware, you're conscious. I want to leave you with a few questions to sit with. No judgment, just curiosity. Kind of similar to the questions I asked near the beginning. And if you feel called, grab a journal or simply just let these questions roll around in your heart as you go about your day. Here's the first question. What's one pattern I've started to notice in how I show up as a mother or even how I speak to myself? Two, where did I first learn that pattern? And three, if I could rewrite that pattern, what would I want it to look like instead? even if it's just in the tiniest, gentlest way. Take a deep breath. Noticing is enough for today. The rest will unfold in time. Like I said, this truly is the first step in your transformative healing journey. Recognizing these patterns is key for you to make a change and a difference in your life so that you can model healthy behaviors for your children and be on the path to healing, being the mother that you want to be. We are in this together, mama. I am in the works of creating a support group for you on Facebook for moms. who lack maternal support and want to heal these childhood wounds, these other wounds, and break all of these harmful cycles. So please follow and connect with me on Instagram for more loving guidance and support on your journey. I promise that you have the power within yourself to transform and be the mother you always deserved and the mother you truly desire.

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