2. How to Heal & Thrive Without Maternal Support

Have you ever felt helpless and confused navigating motherhood without maternal support? Do you want to become the mother you needed and create a new legacy for your children? 

In this episode, Alyssa Carlene breaks down the how of navigating motherhood without the support of your mother. She takes a deeper dive into her ROOTS framework—a powerful roadmap designed to help you recognize harmful patterns, own your story, open your heart to forgiveness, transform limiting beliefs, and set healthy boundaries.

You’ll walk away with actionable steps to start implementing this framework in your own life, so you heal and thrive as the mother you want to be! 

Listen to this episode to answer the following questions: 

• How do I recognize harmful patterns from my childhood? 
• What’s a better way to accept and own my story? 
• How can I open my heart to forgiveness? 
• What are limiting beliefs and how can I transform them? 
• How can I set healthier boundaries with my mother and others? 

1. Want to join a supportive, heartfelt community with other moms who are also navigating motherhood without their mothers? Join our Facebook Group today!

2. Are you ready to build confidence and emotional resilience as a mom, even without the support of your mother? Access the free video training now: Five Steps to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother!

3. Want to chat more about what it's like to mother without your mom and get personalized support? Send Alyssa Carlene a DM on Instagram!

Transcript

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I remember the deep sadness I felt on the day my first daughter was born when I didn't hear anything from my mother. I called my whole family and told them the amazing news. My beautiful angel baby was here and safe. We were both happy and healthy. And my mom was the one person I was most excited to share the news with. I didn't hear from my mom until maybe a full day later. I was sincerely crushed. This was a common theme, especially during big events like birthdays and holidays. I've learned over time to reframe my perspective from my mom doesn't care to my mom is incapable. Yes, her absence brings feelings of sorrow and disappointment, especially as I mother my children without her. However, I feel empowered to be on the other side of the equation now, breaking harmful cycles fully knowing that I will be there for my daughters. And that sentiment alone propels me forward. You're listening to Navigating Motherhood Without Your Mother. Here, we help moms with young children who lack maternal support to heal childhood wounds and break harmful generational patterns through the five-step Roots Framework. My name is Alyssa Carlene. I am a generational healing and motherhood empowerment coach. My mission is to help you heal the root cause of your struggles so you can learn to regulate your emotions and create a healthy, loving environment for your family. Let's get started. Thanks for tuning in to the second episode of my new podcast. It means so much to have you here. As always, my podcast content is for educational purposes only and should never replace proper medical and mental health guidance from professionals. Today, I will be detailing the how of navigating motherhood without your mother through my Roots framework. If you listened to my first episode, you'll recall my brief introduction. By the end of today's show, you'll comprehend roots at a deeper level and be able to start implementing for yourself. This framework works, and I've lived it. It's powerful and, in my humble opinion, essential in healing the mother wound as a mother. With each step, I'll relate some of my experiences and the success I've found in healing. So let's dive right in. The first step to roots is R, recognize harmful patterns. I want to take my story from the beginning and dissect it a little deeper. With all the stories I share about my mom, I strive to do so respectfully and educationally. It's healing for me to share these experiences and overall the goal is to provide examples to empathize and support you if you relate. As I mentioned, my mom had a habit of continually not showing up by isolating herself and making herself unavailable during special events throughout my and my family members' lives. There's so much that obviously plays into why this was, but regardless of why she wasn't there, it was painful because she modeled harmful patterns. The biggest takeaway from her continual absence was learning that it was okay to flake out on others pretty much all the time and to not show up or make excuses or, worst case scenario, lie. Even deeper, it left me feeling like special events weren't all that worthwhile and that I was unworthy. See, as I peel back the layers, these are the destructive cycles I'm talking about. When you can bring awareness in front of you, sometimes it feels like a slap in the face because when you're a child, you absorb everything your parents do and say. Your normal may be extremely dysfunctional, but you don't know any different. Then you become a mom and those habits drilled into you may weasel their way into your everyday mothering. Weeding away at toxic tendencies takes time, but it's essential. And once you recognize them, you're literally halfway there. You get to break the chains. You get to show up for your kids and you get to reclaim your power. But first and foremost, you've got to recognize and acknowledge. Next is own your story. This one is everything. What does it mean to own your story? To own your story means fully embracing and taking control of your personal experiences, both the triumphs and the struggles without shame, denial, or fear. It's about acknowledging where you've been and how it has shaped you. And using that narrative to empower yourself rather than letting it negatively define you. So, you lack maternal support. Yes, that's heartbreaking. And yes, your mother hurt you. And maybe she continues to hurt you. Yes, you feel abandoned. Yes, it's painful. However, none of these things define you. If you cling to what you lack and only focus on that specific thing, true healing can never occur. It's going from victim to victor, grabbing the horse by the reins and riding in triumph, knowing that acceptance is what sets you free. I know you might be listening and thinking, how do I accept my mother for who she is and all the intense pain that she's inflicted on my life? Well, sis, I've been there. And honestly, for me, it got to a point where the resistance was so strong. All the blame and anger toward my mother started to negatively impact me in physical ways. Don't get me wrong here. My emotions in this process were crucial. It's okay to feel that anger and to be mad, but only enough to propel healing. Little did I know that at the moment I was doing the opposite. I was unknowingly the shackled victim. And when I finally owned up to this, I felt the most amazing sense of relief and liberation. Like someone literally unchained me because the past needed to stay in the past and there was nothing I could do or say to change it. And if I wanted true results, true healing, I needed to let go of my victimhood and step into my higher self. This is how to own your story. All right, here comes the next one. Open your heart to forgiveness. Sigh, big sigh. I am fully aware that forgiveness is not easy and even controversial sometimes. Thank you so much. Here are the two major aspects of forgiveness I really want to make crystal clear. One is that forgiveness is for you. And two, forgiveness is for giving back what no longer belongs to you. For some reason, I felt like to forgive my mom, it needed to be this long, dragged out process. I also believe that there was a part of me deep down that just didn't want to do it. There were times I thought maybe I did forgive her, but then I realized I was still holding on to heavy hurts that were weighing me down. It clicked one day almost instantly for me that I needed to be more intentional about this. I was working with a mentor who helped me through a beautiful visualization to finally forgive my mother. I'd love to go into much more detail in a future episode about this, and I plan to do so. The most remarkable part of all of it was that it was actually really simple. And when I opened my heart to this simple process again, I felt like that weight was lifted. Things began to shift. I gave back what was no longer mine to carry. And now I will say that it wasn't just a one and done event. It's almost been a continual process, but when I look back at that specific moment, when I made that intention, it really was a catalyst for my healing. I can fully say that today, I forgive, I love, and accept my mother for who she is and all that has happened. Do I have moments or memories that trigger high emotions? Oh yes, but do I let them pull me backward? No. I remember this moment and how absolutely beautiful it felt, and I simply let the rest go. I give it to God, I move forward, I process what comes, and then I move on. What would it take for you to open your heart to forgiveness? For me, it was so essential to have support and guidance in doing it. I feel so grateful that I had a mentor who assisted me in such a big transition, and it was just a truly breathtaking process. All right, we are now at the T of roots, transform limiting beliefs. I love where this step falls in the framework, and I love the fact that we can transform our deepest belief systems. Let's make sure that you know what a limiting belief is first. A limiting belief is... a restrictive thought or thoughts about yourself, others, or the world, which can prevent you from reaching your full potential. These beliefs often develop from past experiences, societal conditioning, or cultural messages, and they can become mental barriers that hold you back from pursuing goals or embracing true change. Have you ever had the thought, I can't be a good mother without the support of my mom? Or even worse, I'm doomed to repeat my mother's mistakes. That second one, oof, that one ruled my life even before I became a mother. It was unconsciously in the back of my mind. And finally, some events happened that really blew things up. And it landed me in a spot where I was sharing this deep, dark fear of becoming just like her out loud to someone. And I remember the person I told this to, they looked at me. They looked me in the eyes and they said, you are not her. You never will be her and you don't need to be afraid. It took a lot for me to transform this limiting belief because it's deeply interwoven into my subconscious mind. I must have created it out of coping as a child. And I'm telling you that even the other day, last week, I was in a coaching appointment talking about values and we were peeling back some layers and that fear of ending up like my mom popped up again. So the action of transforming limiting beliefs is game changer, right? But it's also a mega process, just like the other steps of roots. Even though they're big and They can be simple and it just takes permission to access these unconscious parts of your mind, being vulnerable and willing to go there. There are so many ways to do this. I've witnessed great success through traditional talk therapy, CBT, neurolinguistic programming, energy work, and more. The amazing thing about this is that you get to choose how you want to transform these beliefs, and your options are truly limitless as you venture into this world of transformation. And you have support, whether it's from me or your therapist or whoever is willing to assist you. You have the power to make these changes and experience big breakthroughs. Last but not least, S stands for set new boundaries. So wherever you are in your relationship with your mother, you need healthy boundaries, not just for your sake, but the sake of your children and your family. I always say this, boundaries are a two-way street. Sometimes we set boundaries, but then we break them ourselves for the sake of another person, or we allow that other person to merge into our lane. If there weren't boundaries growing up with your parents or your family, you were very enmeshed, whatever it may be, boundaries can be challenging. They can. Because Also, they're not always explicit. Sometimes boundaries are implicit, meaning that maybe you're the only one who blatantly knows the boundary because the other person won't accept it, won't listen to it, won't take it. Regardless of whether or not the boundary is explicit or implicit, I think the most important part about boundaries is you keeping that boundary. Let me give you an example, okay? So years ago, before I even became a mother, I was being bombarded by messages from my mother on my phone, text messages, voicemails, calls, and I just felt so overwhelmed. I felt like... This is not how I want to be interacting with her. And I remember my husband, he said something to me that nobody ever really told me because we were freshly married. And he said, like, you don't have to respond. You don't have to text her back. And I remember thinking, what? I don't? And the reason why I reacted in this way is because I was never taught how to set a boundary. I never had boundaries growing up. And so from there on, it became something where I realized, okay, I don't have to respond right away, but I'm not going to tell her, hey, mom, guess what? I'm not going to respond to every message because she won't take that. And she wouldn't take that well. Fast forward to the future where, you know, I end up having to block her just because it became too much. And I did tell her, look, mom, I have to block you because this level of communication is not healthy. Was it taken from her in a happy manner? Not really, but it did come to a point where she did respect the boundaries. And I think that if we explain and make it more about us than them, that is also really, really helpful. So the S is really important because as you're doing this healing, you're going to recognize that boundaries are becoming your best friend. And it's essential in healing, in protecting yourself and protecting your sweet children. I also want to say that, you know, you are allowed to set boundaries, even with family. And that setting boundaries doesn't make you ungrateful or unloving. It makes you strong. When you heal, it's not really about fixing the past. It's about creating the future that you deserve. And boundaries are going to do that for you. So there we have it. Roots, the how to navigate motherhood without your mother through my roots framework. And let me make it clear. You know, I'm not perfect. I have to go back all the time. and work through things. But having a framework and a basis for healing and goals and all of these different things that you can do to really get you to where you want to be, even if it's just one baby step at a time, is going to propel you in a different direction, in a healing direction. Roots is so important and beautiful because it frees up space for you to progress instead of regress. And I'm not saying that you're going to always be progressing. You're going to make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time. But roots is essential in that it reminds you that you can dig deep enough. You can get to the root. and then plant a new seed, a new flower, a new tree. I just love the symbolism and I love that this framework really is about you as the mom because we all know when you become a mother, you lose yourself in motherhood. You really lose yourself. But I also like to say that on the flip side, when you become a mother, you are reborn and a new you, a new experience, a new postpartum, whatever it is. So there is hope. And I think it's important to talk about this hope because I have down days. I have dark days. I have hard times, especially with this lack of maternal support. But the lack of is no longer keeping me shackled. I really feel like I have been empowered almost in a crazy way that... you know, despite the circumstances. I would never change them because I can't change the past. But also I know that it's so incredible to be able to heal and to help others do so. So the key takeaways from today are navigating through the roots framework. I'd like to propose a question. Which one for you stands out the most? Which one did you feel like today you heard and you thought, I'm going to try that. I'm going to Oh, open my heart to forgiveness. I'm going to T, transform limiting beliefs. I want to hear from you. So please follow me on social media, interact with me, and tell me what you thought about this specific episode and what part of Roots you would love. to work on and implement. I am so excited that you're here with me and that together we can build each other up. We can empathize with one another. We can heal. We can grow. And we can use the roots framework to our benefit because there is a how in navigating and there is a way So don't feel like you can't do this or that you're alone. Thank you for listening. I hope you have a lovely rest of your day or night, and I can't wait to hear from you.